أنت أجمل مصير

 Anta 'Ajmal Masir which means.... You are the Most Beautiful Fate.

I chanced upon the quote while trying to get ustaz to write a sentence in Jali Diwani as a takeaway from my workshop. And throughout the search, I only have him in mind. Something that could symbolizes the love that I have for him... and this, is the best found. And mr love is the most beautiful fate that Allah has arranged for me. Alhamdulillah.  (i kept reminding myself, nothing is a coincidence, for Allah has arranged it for us. Patience, for HE knows what is best for us). 

Yesterday was our last date for now, before Ramadhan kicks in. And while I try not to think when could be the next possible date, becos' after Ramadhan will be back to a busy school weeks for him, i guess having me in his heart and thoughts suffice for me..... err, part of the heart suddenly objects to that sentence, oops! 

As what he had mentioned, there is only Side A and Side B to where we could be. And yesterday's date was not an exception except for the moments we had for each other. This time round no bloopers in public, except for the 1 o'clock time and the word for the day was: Don't Start! (away from your cheeky smiles dear!)

As much as I love being with him; till now, I have yet to get over the feeling of letting go; saying goodbye to end our day. And it has been 6 years. And each time when I have to leave, I will leave with a heavy heart. (that's what actually happened yest when i requested for a hug. A hug which I didnt want to let go as the tears just didnt want to stop. That is when i had to trigger that hard spot of mine, wipe my tears away and told him i'm okay. Tadaaa!! with a smile i said i'm okay..... but i'm not)

"disebalik ketenangan seseorang, ada 1001 kisah dan kepahitan yang tersembunyi. 

senyuman yang terzahir tentu ada air mata yang terselindung...." 

Saying or typing out I Love You is not as easy as it seems especially when you are saying it out from your heart. And knowing that even by saying so, you can't literally have him next to you. (I wonder how long-distance relationship works? I'd probably gave it up even before I even start on it). 

Well, a lil mischief doesnt seems to hurt and I'll be missing those lil cheesy moments. I'm beginning to miss him so much. I'm missing his smiles, his laughter, his touch, his everything.... ya, everything. 
saya rindu awak! 

There are lots of questions that linger in the head now. Composing myself that everything will be fine. While i wish that I could always be with him or do things together with him, i know that Allah has better plans for us. I least expected that loving and missing someone too much can bring so much tears... (this is just not the real me). Or maybe that's becos' our Love is just not normal. Forbidden love - tt's what it should be.....

Dear, you are the beautiful gift (fate) that Allah has sent to me.  And I'm definitely grateful for that. You started off as my companion when i'm at my lowest point. You were there with me in my cries, my tears, my laughter and my smiles. And I can't thank you enough for that. All that i asked for, is for you to be happy with me around.  Clinging on you like a koala bear, hehe... and being pampered when i'm with you. You just need to be patience with me dear (evil smiles).....  I love you!

Will I be Okay?

It's gonna be a long weekend for me. I was on leave last friday, and going to be on another leave tomorrow.... a date that we set before Ramadhan. Yup, the date and meet have been frequent lately. And I'm definitely extremely happy to be with him, without a doubt. But, will I be okay when meet-ups gonna be lessen again?? Will i start to freeze my heart again just so that I will not feel the lost? hmm..... 

I miss you dear!

a year since the last....

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيم

This blog has been left without a single word for a year plus..... and it took me a few tries trying to recall the correct email acct to access in.... and I'm beginning to miss my blogging too just like how I'm missing him much. (the truth is; there is something to blog about :D)

the last that I blogged on a year's back was on Mr. Love's return to school... he is still in school now, but a totally different path. yup, so much have changed. even the feelings that I had for him was a challenge. I hungered for his love and I was missing him so much, but the time constraint, thou' he made an effort to meet me almost every morn back then, was of not much help. He was under lots of pressure in his first school and I know it wasn't easy for him....... For me, I miss the quality time spent with each other.

And then, a change again... to another school. This time, a little less pressure, erk! mybe not so little.

but the consolation that I got out of this, we got to travel out together. *wide smile*

and that short trip changed the "hard-stoned-heart" of mine drastically. a heart which I froze it bcos I didn't want to feel hurt and disappointed. the heart which I guarded it for months, bcos missing him hurts me a lot. I was cold in my conversation with him. I know I had hurt him in a way. But, what he didn't know, I teared each time I hung down the phone. My heart shrunk. I was too hard on myself, affecting him too... just so that I don't feel the emptiness in me.

The overseas trip was not exactly what triggered the soft-spot of my heart. but our meet on Good Friday morning, after months of not seeing each other. he was already at my place, waiting for hours, and left, but turned back again, when i replied his chats. That few hours of meet, drove me crazy... cos' I'm missing him more than before. And, surprisingly, a week after, we met again. This time, we went home together. He was out in town supposedly to settle his stuff, but ended up leaving it behind. That is him right??

Now that we travel in public transport (most times), I'm ignorant of my surroundings. There was only me and him. And i see only him (*shock emoticon in place*). I'm in love?

I didn't start my trip with joy. I hid the pains I had. That's my true character. I'll just swallow everything and keep silence. I didn't get to have breakfast with love that morning bcos' everything was so uncertain. But Alhamdulillah, everything went smoothly when we were there. And what makes it more special, it was our 6th anniversary.

We sneaked away from our friends just to spend time with each other. The first night brought us to movie, "Eye In The Sky". a very simple plot, but the companion of someone whom you love, made it more interesting. I remembered how he innocently held my hands and wrapped his arms around my waist while we walked up to the theatre... seriously, mcm org tak bersalah like that. While me, I hate crossing across a road without traffic lights, and that night, I held to his pants, the side of it... and what put me to laughter till i got home when he said... "awak jangan tarik seluar saya, nanti terlondeh"... OMG!!! This man!!!

Day 2 (the last day to spend with each other), we executed our plan after we were back from our Games. Alhamdulillah, it went smoothly. I couldn't recall when was the last time we get to spend time with each other, But, we really made use of the time we had there. The laughters, the smackings, the tickles... I WANNA GO BACK THERE!!! The weirdest thing of all, to sit infront of the mirror, talking to each other, hugging. Weirdo!

Every moves and touch, symbolizes the love that we had for each other. I couldn't explain more, it could only be felt.

I didn't tell him how much I love to see him dressed up for the farewell dinner. (he would know if he reads this blog). We exchanged smiles throughout the night. Eye contacts was not an exception. Despite being close to each other, WA-ing was not left out... and I couldn't wait for the dinner to end because we have another date for that night. That explains why I wasn't really eating... haha!!

And we spent the last night with a slice of Secret Recipe's cake (shared!) and an instant Maggie (which doesnt' really compliments the cake, hehehe). That was because I was hungry, Yet, the cake was shared. okay! okay!

It was our last night. Thou' I wished that I didnt sleep; well, I had to sleep. And waking up to an alarm at 4am in the morning, was a lil quirky. I bargained for another 15mins, hoping he will hug me, which he didnt (sad). Washed up, dressed up, waited for him and I dozed off again... hehe....
Below was what I wrote to him, days after we were back in SG... my true feelings of the night.... 

I snug in his arm that night thou' its only for a few hours. Looking at him sleep with his soft snores. I couldn't describe how I feel at that moment but the feeling of being safe with him. He was calm in his sleep despite being tired. I took every chance I could to look at him closely and secretly told myself, how lucky I was to be with him. I chose to be pampered by him in my request, my moves and my actions; probably unknown to him. Cos I know I might not have another opportunity again.

As we got prepared to leave again this time for a real goodbye to the trip, I leaned onto him while he wore his socks. I was reluctant to leave, definitely. I was disillusioned and my mood changed automatically. And the last tight hugs was the best ever. Throughout my journey home, I was with a heavy heart with an unwilling smiles portrayed. And I finally let my cries out in the shower at home. My worst feelings of missing him and that made me realized how much I love him all these years.

It took me weeks to adjust to not having him by my side. And it was only a 3days trip that we had, yet I felt so much lost.... I had sleepless nights, I still do. I miss him terribly... And I could still recall, when I teared infront of him, after our date while waiting for my train. A date that he planned after the trip. And, a few more meet-ups and dates, Alhamdulillah. Not forgetting, the surprise visit to D'Marquee while I was having my SWAPD. Crazy! Yes!!! That was the first time ever, I chose to swallow my anger, my words, my patience becos' I love him that much.

Love,

While it sounds undeniably wonderful, full of happiness, laughters and surprises... it could also be the most painful thing to be felt.

Love,

As it penetrates through the eyes of the lovers, slip in to the hearts, bringing out the smiles in search of the lips.... it reflects in out actions and moves.

And this Love,

Is Allah's greatest gift to us.

It was only yesterday that we had another date.... Every date, has its memories.. And yesterday's will not be forgotten..... First, crossing the road. Okay, this time, out of nowhere, he suddenly pulled my hand and held it.. i could feel that i had stiffen my arm, and shook a little since he didnt let it go even after we had crossed the road. Not too sure if it was done on purpose (to hold my hand) or he didnt realised it, he finally let it go....
Secondly, while going down the escalotor. I was a level below him, he was saying something, i tilted my head backwards and he kissed my forehead unexpectedly. I was stunned, held my forehead, dah rasa macam nak pening2 gitu.... haha!! He was never like that in public..... I guess I was right when I told Kakak we are "ting-tong" after our return from our trip!!!

But above-all...... I love him with all of my heart. I miss him in every of my heartbeat. I told him before that he should be happy of my love towards him. As I've never loved and missed someone as much as I feel towards him. Thou' I don't deny, mine is a "hard-love". It took me a very long time to confess to him. And I don't blame him for judging me all these years. And I truly hope, he doesn't doubt my love anymore. And becos' of all these, I became overly pampered towards him. Sometimes, I felt like I'm flirting with him.. haha!!

Well, I just want to be with him.. typing this out breaks me down... with tears trickling down my cheeks. Such a simple word "i want to be with him" but an action that is hard to be reached.
I seek Allah's mercy in our relationship. Too embarrassed to ask HIM for more. But I never failed to ask Allah to strengthen this love and bind it till Jannah. And give me the chance to BE WITH HIM in this world, for me to take care of him with the love that I have.

We create memories out of the love we have.
And we crash through the forbidden love without turning back
We smile and laugh to the little silly things we did
With teary eyes that strengthen the love.
With hopes as high as the sky we persevere
An ocean depth of love we hold
In hope of the day that will bind this love.....
The love that we created out of LOVE. 

Sayang, if you are reading. Please remember to pick me up if I ever fall... Hug me tight if I ever feel like giving up. I am not as strong as you think. And I need you to always be with me.
I love you!

2015

Alhamdulillah..., insya'Allah, another year of Allah's blessing. 

And it is exactly 3 months since i last blogged. Not much has changed. Except that Mr Love will be back to where he has been sending out his resume to in 2 weeks. i'm happy for him, thou' i forsee between us there will be much much more lesser time for each other which it has been going on for these 2 years, unknowingly. 

And it's been 5 years of our relationship. Only to see him back for bilateral insya'Allah from this year on. 2 days ago, we managed to squeeze that time for ourselves, watching Taken and spending the last hours at our usual spot, talking and talking and teasing... 

being in his arms, being in his hugs, having his unconditional love is definitely something every girl would be happy for. and i am not an exception. but, to be in this situation without a conclusion, sometimes i wish that i am strong enuff to tell him, let's just remain as friends without having an expectation for each other. then again, each time i'm trapped in between his arm, my heart told me how do i live without this person. how can i stop loving him when i love him with all my heart. It does feels terrible.... 

mana harusku hamparkan.. rindu, tiada kesudahan, 

sesal biar separuh nyawa..namun ia takkan hilang..... 

masih terasa nafasmu, lembut menyusuk jiwaku..

dengan dihembus bayu, membawa khabar rindu....

tapi sunyi ku teruskan, engkau jauh kehadapan... aku, tabah berjalan sembunyikan harapan....

separuh sayangmu dihati, separuh lagi kau bawa pergi.... 

tiada arah jodoh kita, 

Tuhan tentukan lah........  

in my silence, in my "don't bother-look", nothing change deep in my heart. you are there, will always be there, and will remain in there.... while i smile to your dreams of having us living together, i keep that expectation low, so as not to be hopeful to only feel hurt one day. no one has yet to enter my life with your kind of expectations, your persistence to keep me close to you, knowing the imperfection in me. having the patience to tolerate my unexpected nonsense and sensitivity, sometimes, i feel you deserve someone better. 

..... and i don't deny having that dreams of us having our own home, laughing, teasing with each other, holding hands as we walk side by-side, no restrictions to where we will be, will remain as a sweet dreams till it is granted. as for now, i am contented and blessed to just having you there reachable as and when time permits, and knowing you loves me more than i deserve.....

"when the heart is missing you terribly, but the brain is denying it......."

its fading

i'm beginning to feel tired of waiting..... 
i'm beginning to start feeling restless....

yes, i still love him... and i miss him so so much.... but, 
trying every means to understand the constraints. trying very hard to understand the situation, is not as easy as it seems. 
telling myself each day not to place any expectation of being able to spend that 1.5hrs of that time like before is a failure. 
i continued to wait. 

and then i realised something..... this can never last. this is just the beginning or should i say, its the mid of transition to an end.... 
it is just a matter of time... 

Behind the smiles and laughters

Bismillah....

Its been really long since i last blogged. Too long that I almost forgot my password. Oh dear!

It has been a roller coaster ride of my emotions the last 3 months. Which I believed there is a blessing and a learning points to the challenges I faced.

 

Where do I start, everything happened too fast.

 

Before Ramadhan, mom went for a minor surgery to remove her gallstones. Weeks prior to that, had been going for occasional checks and all was handled by me alone. Its hard at times, getting the other siblings to cooperate and take turns, even on the day of her surgery, they came like other visitors. Swallowing the pains that I feel, I even had to arrange her discharge before I went for a quick getaway with my fam before Ramadhan.... and a new challenge kicks in.

 

While we were taking that short trip, hub broke the news of taking his parents in for a reason which every child would do.. Without second thoughts, I agreed. And, a day before Ramadhan, they stepped into our home.

 

Everything was fine, until, I realised something is missing somewhere. I did something which I've never done before, preparing break-fast for the family despite rushing from work. I was happy with the new responsibility not until I realised, hey, i'm the only one doing this with my gerls. Hub was definitely unable to give a helping hand, as he will only be home after all of us had eaten. The rest, was totally not cooperating. Hanging on still... Until a lil misunderstanding happened between MIL and me two weeks before Raya.. i left my opinions straight, and they decided to leave my home till a day before Raya.

 

Eve of Raya, I was such an enthusiastic and motivated person. I cooked my first Raya dishes on my own. Overwhelmed by my own capability. Alhamdulillah. I didnt speak much. The norm of my character if there is anything that I'm not pleased of.

I have never encounter waking up late on raya days.... until in-laws came to stay with me. Being the only one who woke up very early to prepare things, it is an eye-sore especially when one woke up  minutes before visitors came only to start instructing and demanding. Having a SIL that is not much of a help when you need an assistant badly. I never failed to prepare anything for visitors espescially those from my hub family. I was definitely happy preparing them, but the responses and reactions that I got from MIL was like a scratch that slowly deepens and piercing through the flesh.

 

Another challenge on the last week of Syawal. I caught hub off-guard exchanging mushy-mushy messages with a Pinoy. I shut myself out from the people at home. I ignored hub unless anything that requires my immediate attention. For a week, until he decided to apologise and explained. That day, I was sick again. From then on, he paid extra attention towards me. He began to realise too, how much I've put in effort for the comfort of his family.  

 

Raya over, normal routine kicks in. And without realising, I've been falling sick. I cooked for the family, only to realise, they are not eating it. I cleaned up my house, only to know there are people who are not happy with it and misunderstood my purpose. People are being insensitve and inconsiderate while the gerls are studying.  I no longer spend my rest time watching my favourite tv series. I'm cooped up in my own room after dinner at Mom's. I faced terrible headaches and migraines. I am hardly at my own house despite my absence from work for my MCS. My gerls shared things that are so heartbreaking. And I realised I have most of the symptoms of stress.

 

Thou many times I heard, they will be leaving; the turning point was when my SIL started checking on my lil princess hp and read through our conversations. That was the final take. I couldnt accept the fact that one can simply breach one's trust. MIL was on her side despite knowing it was wrong to do so. I didnt get involve in the confrontation.

 

And finally, they left the next day.... not even wait for us to be home. Oh well, that's what usually happen. They will leave when no one is at home. Leaving us with a question mark.

 

I was the most happiest person. Not being rude here. But I finally smell freedom.... I was too happy to be home early that day, that I took a cab home. Immediately, put my laundry into the washing machine, mopped the floor with hot water, vacuum.... tired, but satisfied.

 

Alhamdulillah. Everything is slowly back to normal. My health has improved. The gerls are happy.

 

Mr. Love was finally called in for interview by MOE. Alhamdulillah. And the interview went well too. I'm happy for him. We rarely meet for lunch now, but I know he is always there for me.

He rushed from work one of the days to join us, when I told him, my sis and HK are coming to pick me up for lunch. I appreciate his time very much. But, I couldnt deny having less attention at times. Occasionally he will pick me up to work. Ya, any time he could fit me in to his schedule.

Like yesterday, unplanned "date" to spend time with each other. I miss him much.

 

I'm reminded of our conversation... "dah 4 years eh dear. that's quite long..... ya, 4 years. kalau ada anak dah brp ramai agaknya...." hahaha!! an impromtu statement.

 

I love you dear!

when you smile to your own cheekiness

somehow, i was writing half way to this blog..... this was written when I had my lunch with Mr. Love at Texas, a last minute arrangement. A quick lunch... and, the subject says it all.... I couldnt help smiling to my own unexpected moves... Two cups of drinks on that day, was almost mine, if I hadnt been stopped and smiled at, I prob didnt realised that I almost gonna finished it all up... geee!! Once in a blue moon happenings... 

Oh well, the husband is out of town again. this time for a month. managing well so far with the responsibilitie at home, thou' i cant deny being extra tired.

I braved myself to drove back home from Changi Airport, after sending him off. With of course the help of a GPS, and several qns asked to hub to ensure the route out to TPE. But, didnt asked which way to go after leaving the multi-storey carpark, only to realise, i almost enter Coach/Bus Only lane. Reversed!

Half day date today, my compensation to him for his yesterday's intent to spend the time with me. But i could only do so for 2.5hrs of lunch. I hope he was happy, despite the cold. For I am happy, having him all over me, i mean next to me. (today's blog is all about being cheeky, so mind my language) :P

Thinking about it, I was a little naughty and cheeky today. Errr, just a little of it... kesian saya tengok awak dear, menahan segala-galanya, i meant your blocked nose,  flu and the cold... hmmm...

I am missing u so much... and loving u lots.. if only what we are having now is the flip of it, i will be the most happiest to be by your side.. thou i know ur level of tolerance n patience has to increase too... cos' im not as easy as i look, *evil grins*... anyway, u have ur ways to tackle me, right? *winks

Is there a reason to love someone? Question asked when u are being asked if u love him? A reason will soon be erased together with the love, the moment the reason is no longer in use... i love u for who you are... and i couldnt find a reason why am i madly in love with you... thou the madness is still under control, thankfully.. i may be sad at times thinking of where this relationship will go, but my love, my happiness being with you through the calculated hours over-writes the pain. Even so, if one day, we have to leave each other.. wats left behind will be the memories that is filled with love and not reasons...

I love you.... 

Thank you for your time, thats the most that I appreciate in this relationship of us. I know it is not easy for u... 
Thank you for your patience when im having my mood swings
Thank you for saying i always marahkan you... thou im not, cos tts my only way to tell you i sayang kan u... 
Thank you for being my best companion from Day1 u wanted to help me carry my bag at Langkawi till now.. thou im still expecting u to carry me n no longer any bags.. huh??
and most of all, thank you for your unconditional love.... 
You mean so much to me, and I want you to know that...

So much love.... and I love you more.....