wonder

sometimes, i wonder why i do what i did..... only to feel the disappointments at the end of the day.....
yup, disappointments and not regrets.
especially the actions which i took.
many times, my actions went against my thoughts.
when actually, the mind speaks better than the heart.

as much as i cherish and treasure what i have, enjoying every moments.....
still, a little saddens with how things work out at times..
not being someone who don't understand the situation, but simply couldnt errr...
nevermind...

sometimes, its best to just let it go...... and awaits a better tomorrow.....

2010

3 years ago, on 23rd apr, i was on my first bilateral game overseas. And it was Langkawi..... little did i expect that, that gonna mark my new journey with someone i'm in love with till today...

3years ago, on the morning of 24th apr, heading towards the game centre, i boarded a bus, chartered for all players, only to realise that there ain't any empty seat left for me. embarrased and a little lost with many guys on the bus, someone stood up, and offered his seat to me and my snr player. didnt even say thank you for the seat offered, i moved in to the seat by the window, and looked outside throughout the bus-ride. occasionally listening to the conv between the person who offered the seat to me and my snr. as i alighted from the bus, and preparing to carry my backpack filled with timers and all, the same person offered to help. declining his help but conversation between us continued. as he conversed in english, i answered in malay..... walked side-by side, till we parted for our different game room... no names being exchanged.... 

couldnt deny that, my thoughts were still with him, a quick looked out for him after my game ended as i did not take the bus back to our hotel.... and so, the matter rest......

dinner at the eagle parade. enjoying the scenic dawn. taking pictures in between passer-by, i saw him again. this time a little distracted as he commented while my picture was being taken. blushed. i walked behind him, as he spoke to my another senior, basically just being reserved. exchanged smiles and short conversations, we separated again to our different dinning table. but, it wasnt long. the queue to the drink area, started it all again. mischieviously telling him not to cut queue, only to realise, there wasnt any cups left.... haha!!... i was being teased, eye contact, smiles, when i walked pass his table to get my food....

what hit it all, was the photo i took when he took his medals. that is where, i asked for his name, when conversations happened again in the sheltered area while waiting for the prize-giving. teasers in the bus. until, the exchange of email address, to enable me to send him his photos. and the night ended for us.

in the morning of 25th apr, which is today, 3years ago.... i looked out for him during breakfast, but, he only acknowledged me once, probably rushing to get his stuffs down. and at the airport, he was busy attending to the luggage check-in, while i only observed from far..... while waiting for check-in, as i enjoyed my drink and cake at starbucks, i was approached by him again, this time for a photo together "can i take a photo with the scrabble players?" the rest of my team declined, except for one, and i felt saved at that moment... i could feel the blush on both of my cheeks. a pleasant surprise i would say. (turning my head to the left now, looking at that photo) *smile*

as we board the aircraft, a candid photos were taken between us.... and gotto admit that, there is a little attraction towards him, as i will occasionally glanced at him..... and so, the "honeymoon" at langkawi ended....

his photos were e-mailed to him the very same day i got home....

26th apr....

he started the conversations between us through yahoo messenger. and it lasted the whole 8hours..... including arranging for a lunch date. and it continues till today; many lunch dates, one day date, half day date...... and hopeful for many good years ahead.....

and i am so in love with him, the one who thought that i'm a filipino. which explains his conversation in eng with me at the beginning. the one who thinks i'm a snob, for not thanking him for the seat offered. and also the one, whom, i feel his love all these while. who pampers me. who is always there most of the time when i needed someone. who patiently entertains my nonsenses. who is my everything and stays in my heart all this while.... thank you dear.

mata hatiku

kalau hati ini terasa rindu,

apakah ubatnya?

kalau cinta ini tak mahu pergi,

apakah yang harus aku lakukan?

apa yang dikirimkan langit biru dan pelangi yang berwarna-warni setelah hujan berteduh,

kalau bukan perasaan rinduku untuk dirinya

dan tika saat ini, aku merindukan belaian cinta darinya

teramat merindui....

wahai masa,

mengapakah sering kau mencemburui aku...

tiap detik aku bersamanya,

tidak pernah mencukupi

wahai angin,

kau kirimkan lah salam rinduku tiap saat padanya

agar dia tahu,

betapa aku juga amat memerlukannya....

sesungguhnya, aku tidak melihat cintanya dengan sepasang mataku....

aku menyuluhnya dengan mata hatiku....

saya cinta awak!

Steps back

Where i decide to take steps back and get a grip of my own feelings
Realising that love not necessarily mean to own..
While the heart is going through the healing process
The brain needs to send the right message to it.

U have been the love of my life, and will always be.
For you have taught me the true love of loving someone.
As i smile while im typing this,
Imagining u r also smiling right before me.

I hope i am not hurting u my love,
Like how i hurt myself for loving u too much.
Emotions against truth
May i learn to face the reality of loving someone unintentionally.

Truly, deeply, madly in love with you.......

hanging on...

if i could cry right now.....

i would cry out loud and let go everything that is cooped in me.......

dilema rindu

as i'm blogging right now, the song, dilema rindu is being played on the radio.... macam tahu je si DJ nie rasa gunda dihati ini

.

I'm just back from lunch, an early and quick one with love since we last met last wed after he ended his bowling game. its been a tough week.

as each day passed, i wonder how long can i hang on to this feeling. its been three years, and this is not a fairytale story where most of the time its happy ending; thou' i wish it could happen to me. But this feeling that i have, is a challenge. a challenge where, every single day, i longed for him, hopeful of his presence, terribly miss being in his arms, and the biggest challenge of all, trying my hardest to cast, throw, push away that envious feeling that is slowly developing in me each time he shared of his teasers with his other half.... Gosh! i really hate myself for this. that feeling had never existed before, but lately, its been bothering me... what is wrong with me!!!

love after marriage not with your other half, but the "other half"...... many times i asked myself, "why am i in love with him", i do not have the answer to that. but im so much in love with him. is this wrong?

sadly, he often claimed that he don't feel my love. that saddens me the most. he doesn't know how much i love him. he doesnt know how hard i tried not to show too much, so that i won't feel the disappointment for hoping too much. how else can i show it to him? binded only through chats....and we can't be seen on public like any other couple. thou' i miss those times where we held each other's hand and walk by each other's side.

dear, u don't know how i feel..... u don't know how much i miss you.... u never know how i have been consoling myself each time i couldnt be out for lunch with you the least..... u don't know how i tried to hold back my tears each time i think of us..... how long dear, will this go on? i'm so afraid, i ain't that strong. thou' my love towards you is stronger that you could ever think of....

but i do i believe, u do take care of my heart...... love you always......

time of my own...

it has been a hectic days.... the financial year closing wasnt as smooth as i expected it to be.... breathing in and out, enduring every single rush thou' it does drive me to the edge of my patience....

well, 2 days of outing for me last week, and an unexpected surprise by the love one when he joined me during my outing with my cousins. a saviour too to a shorter route home. despite the pretence of "oh well, he is just a friend", i was of course elated with him around. a "passport-opportunity" i must say :)

i love him lots.

alhamdulillah, the journey to majlis rasul in putrajaya was smooth and may our presence there and those who were not able to join us be blessed by Allah swt. Ameen.

Another surprise for me over the weekend was the sms alert for my performance bonus this year. alhamdulillah, a lil more than last year, in appreciation of my service rendered to work. blessed.

love has been a little busy than usual this week, the norm when it comes to school holidays. i'm tight up with my financial closing. and that explains the no-lunch date for this week.
missing him badly? of course, definitely yes.

70% of the elder's bday celebration are done. something to perk her up, and hopefully she appreciates every single thing that i've done for her.

thinking of my love one right now, and hope he is thinking of me too.....