La Tahzan

Wahai hati janganlah bersedih.... 

yang bermula pastinya akan berakhir... 

Bukan kah sudah kau bersedia....

Bila tiba saatnya nanti....

I am not sad, I am not... been telling myself I am not.... but why does it hurt? I shouldnt feel that. Knowing it well it will come to an end. 

Ive been waiting for him to say that, and it was finally mentioned yesterday in the chats. Ive been wanting to know will he ever said what he said, "we shall be good friends Or best friends"...... there can never be best friends between a man and a woman. I never believe in that. Im sorry. What he mentioned in the chats yesterday, was a way out to this relationship and turn it into a friendship. Thats how i read it as...

While i read in between lines of chats...., trying hard to ignore some points, i couldnt help but to go with my wildest thoughts. And its the best way for us all.... especially for him, for his happiness is what i wanted most. 

Awak, saya minta maaf. Saya tak boleh jadi kawan yang baik... saya tak tahu macamana nak ubah satu perhubungan untuk menjadi satu persahabatan. Saya tak tahu. Saya perlukan masa. thou' u said, its not the time yet.., but the day will come right? Sooner or later, it will come. And since u dah sebut, dont u think i should start preparing myself now. Saya faham disebalik maksud awak. Im very much aware. What u said, bukan sebab awak tak sayang saya. Saya faham sangat. 

Sakitnya kepala nie suddenly... tak sesakit pedih nya hati saya sekarang. But i will get over this soon..... very soon.... im sure. 

Awak janganlah risau pasal saya.... saya harap awak dapat maafkan segala tingkah laku saya pada awak mulai sekarang. Cookies that i had left for u and dad, could probably be my last. Saya tak nak menyusahkan awak lagi.. its been too long, u hid e things from your wife, and i doubt before u knows me, tt ever happens.... i truly understands. 

Terima kasih diatas kasih sayang dan cinta yang awak dah curahkan pada saya selama nie. Saya tak akan pernah lupakan kasih sayang awak. 

2014

Time Flies....

2013 had left me with lots of memories, ups and downs, laughter and cries. And very much hopeful for a better today, tomorrow and many years to come... Insya'Allah. 

 Civil Service Dinner and Dance was held at the same place again on Dec 31st. Not so much of a surprise this year as compared to last year, but i sure had a good time of a company with the man I love dearly. 

Mr. Love was there for me, despite the need to attend a maulid. And I truly appreciate his presence and company. Love awak dear. Thou' we didnt managed to watch fireworks together, this time we had a short session by the pool side. Not only talks, but 2 pictures of us was captured. The uniqueness in our relationship is, we often support each other. Like, taking a photo with my camera, but flash using his... Romantic isnt it :) 

His unexpected rise (using past tense, for whatever reason) and giving me a wide smile, will always remain fresh in mind. While i dressed in yellow blouse paired with black pants and red scarf, it has always been a comfort being beside him who was in his dark maroon-brown striped long sleeves shirt. Thou' i still couldnt reach his level of height even with my stiletto, i know i love him more than his height. It was a pleasant evening. Like any other days when we met. And i begin to miss him more that night the moment i see him off. 

Soon, its gonna be our 4th year of friendship cum relationship cum courtship... but yet to be in a battleship. It seems only yesterday that we met in Langkawi. Nak go LGK pun naik ferry, bukan battleship k... sidetrack a little. 

Suddenly i wonder, how's my days gonna be if Mr Love is not here with me; for whatever reason. SUNYI rasanya. Even now, probably he is already at the causeway heading home, i felt something is missing.. Saya rindu awak, even thou u banyak bercerita. Not only you fill up my days, you fill my heart with your presence too. 

I remembered observing him from the foyer area, outside the ballroom, watching him go to my table. I remembered clearly my heart saying... tengah cari orang lah nie. orang kat luar tak nampak, pergi cari kat dalam. hahahah!!! While he turned to walk out, I decided to walk in. Sayang saya pada awak, Allah je yang tahu dear. Walaupun ada masanya macam nak cekik-cekik je. Kalau dah berbual, message masuk pun tak baca. Thats my Mr. Love. Cheeky, Tricky, Funny, Loveable, Hugable. 

 We had our first lunch date in 2014, this time at Nandos. Despite his busy schedule. All thanks to my hehehe, cheekiness... sorry eh dear, bcos of my wassap, u left your work and drove over for a lunch together. Sayang awak, but kalau tak go lunch semalam pun masih sayang lah..... err, sayang sikit je. *peace* 

 Dear, I wanna say thank you to you, for everything... EVERYTHING. Your LOVE, your care, your concern, your sacrification, your time espescially. your money spent on me. Saya harap saya dapat balas all these dear some days, by being by your side and taking care of you always. I hope I'm given that chance even for a day. Insya'ALLAH; AMEEN. 

For now, my doa is always with you and your family. 

 Love...