Blog Archive

Wednesday, 30 April 2014

being tired in many ways

Its the 9th day hub is away on AOG to Philippines... And ive been extremely tired since then. Handling the gerls have never been a problem as they have been cooperative and responsible so far. Despite being extremely worn out, I brought the gerls to visit their grandma last week. And my sat was fully tested when I had to rush from my Quranic Reading Class at Masjid Sultan to send the gerls for their madrasah. Thanks to Allah for the strength he gave, housework was not left out. It was definitely a tight weekend.

Work is ridiculously crazy. I have never feel so tensed up with workloads. But this time, not only it test on my capability but also my patience towards one of my MXO. Her no confidence, blurn-ess, kanchiong-nes, repetitive questions are driving me insane. I could no longer hold on to my "i'm-so-nice-and-helpful" motto. Lately, i will just blast my unhappiness. Gosh!

Mr Love: several attempt for meet-ups failed until today. Lunch dates too have been difficult. He could never understand how I feel cos' he is not the one waiting. And I'm truly getting used to this. Its been 4 years. Alhamdulillah. Hopeful of many more years, InsyaAllah. Being positive despite ........
His schedule has been tight which hinders his lunch out with me. My uncertain workloads on the other hand makes it difficult for us to talk to each other like before. However I was definitely happy to see him today. To spend the hours with him. And sincerely appreciate his time. But somehow, towards the end of it, I'm a little sensitive. Trying to earn half a day of his time now is no longer easy. I truly understand his work commitment; the reason i bypass lunch with him today after our date despite feeling extremely hungry. I have been one since morning actually. As usual, my silence can mean a hundred thoughts. I know he is trying his best too to fit me into his schedule. I know that he miss me like how i am missing him too. But I guess I miss those old times much more.

Teary, sensitive, unstable emotions thats what I have been lately. hanging on strong.  

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

moody wednesday

I'm a little moody today. Not that someone had disturbed me, but, I'm suddenly reminded of my secondary school life. When I opened my drawer this morning, I saw a binded compilation of letters which was nicely decorated by me. And since I couldnt get to work because of the system disability, I decided to open it up... Oh well, those were the days. Those letters was returned back to me by my Ex after our break-up, and what I did years later, was to glued it nicely on papers individually and finally binded it... not only it contains our letters, but there are also little photos of us. The thoughts that I treasured every little things despite the no-more feelings left behind, it did bring back some memories.

I am more sure now the reason why I hate to love someone too much. The hurts, the disappointmets, the heart-breaks. And when I decided to give it all up, nothing else matters even thou' the last letters he sent to me touches me in many ways. And the relationship back then lasted for close to 3years. And after reading the last few letters, I realised the reason for break-up was, my feeling of insecured, less attention given cos' he was all tied up with his soccer coaching session, and both being utterly impatience. Young heart i guess. But we remained to be good friends, teasing each other still and he even recommended me to his army mates when he realised i'm still single despite already working. haha!! but everything was cut off the moment I gave birth my eldest. The last when he visited me at home after my delivery. I still remembered when Mom told him, "kawan baik2, buat mcm adik beradik" and his reply was, "yelah Cik, mak pun ckp, bunga bukan sekuntum" the relationship between him and my family and vice versa was good. I'm happy that he is finally married and has a little princess of his own now. Thou' we no longer contacted each other. It's just that going through those letters just brought me those times.

But one thing for sure. I'm still afraid to tell someone that I'm deeply in love with him. Call me arrogant, call me insensitive, but I'm just so afraid to go through the hurts. Even missing someone terribly can brought me to tears. And I am right now. 4 years now to an unknown relationship, clueless of what's next. Will there be any break-ups? How do I go through that when it happens? Once that happened in my life is enough an experience.

Saya sayang awak dear. Probably more than you love me, more that u expected I am. And many times I'm just afraid that I might lose you.

Love.

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

now u see him, then u dont

It was close to 3 weeks, that I last saw him, but finally managed to squeeze that little time for lunch one of the days 2 weeks back.I was definitely happy for that little time, as I was hopeful that I could see him before I left for my Bilateral in Penang.

Bilateral in Penang went well. The time I needed for myself did happened, when I took a walk of my own around the mall looking for my own things. As always, being lost with a very bad sense of direction can never be separated from me. haha!! asking a few shop owners the route back to my hotel, when it is just next to the mall. Occasionals flashback of Langkawi accompanied me throughout my trip, wishing that Mr Love could still be around for the bilateral. I was missing him badly then. Sometimes its hard to wish for something that its not meant for you to own. But I'm happy to have him around the least.

After my return, I met up with Mr Love after work for about 45mins, before he head off for his bowling session. Madly missing him I guess, and if its not for the reason we are in the car, I wonder what could possibly have happened next.. hmmm.... no damages done as yet ^=^

I started my quranic reading class last week, and I'm enjoying every bits of it. Thou' I forsee the rush I had to face as I need to pick and send the gerls for their madrasah right after my class in Masjid Sultan. Positively thinking, I could shed some weights in the near future.. ermmm...

Work has been a little haywire. Its been a tiring weeks after the close. The handover, enhanced system that went bonkers delaying many requests. I wish I could have a few days break (hint hint)

Another passing thoughts... wish Mr Love is with me right now. Embrace me hard while I rest myself on his chest. A moment of hugs will be just fine to release all the tensions. I'm missing you lots dear. Lots and lots of it. Imagining your smiles now.

Love.