moody wednesday

I'm a little moody today. Not that someone had disturbed me, but, I'm suddenly reminded of my secondary school life. When I opened my drawer this morning, I saw a binded compilation of letters which was nicely decorated by me. And since I couldnt get to work because of the system disability, I decided to open it up... Oh well, those were the days. Those letters was returned back to me by my Ex after our break-up, and what I did years later, was to glued it nicely on papers individually and finally binded it... not only it contains our letters, but there are also little photos of us. The thoughts that I treasured every little things despite the no-more feelings left behind, it did bring back some memories.

I am more sure now the reason why I hate to love someone too much. The hurts, the disappointmets, the heart-breaks. And when I decided to give it all up, nothing else matters even thou' the last letters he sent to me touches me in many ways. And the relationship back then lasted for close to 3years. And after reading the last few letters, I realised the reason for break-up was, my feeling of insecured, less attention given cos' he was all tied up with his soccer coaching session, and both being utterly impatience. Young heart i guess. But we remained to be good friends, teasing each other still and he even recommended me to his army mates when he realised i'm still single despite already working. haha!! but everything was cut off the moment I gave birth my eldest. The last when he visited me at home after my delivery. I still remembered when Mom told him, "kawan baik2, buat mcm adik beradik" and his reply was, "yelah Cik, mak pun ckp, bunga bukan sekuntum" the relationship between him and my family and vice versa was good. I'm happy that he is finally married and has a little princess of his own now. Thou' we no longer contacted each other. It's just that going through those letters just brought me those times.

But one thing for sure. I'm still afraid to tell someone that I'm deeply in love with him. Call me arrogant, call me insensitive, but I'm just so afraid to go through the hurts. Even missing someone terribly can brought me to tears. And I am right now. 4 years now to an unknown relationship, clueless of what's next. Will there be any break-ups? How do I go through that when it happens? Once that happened in my life is enough an experience.

Saya sayang awak dear. Probably more than you love me, more that u expected I am. And many times I'm just afraid that I might lose you.

Love.