its fading

i'm beginning to feel tired of waiting..... 
i'm beginning to start feeling restless....

yes, i still love him... and i miss him so so much.... but, 
trying every means to understand the constraints. trying very hard to understand the situation, is not as easy as it seems. 
telling myself each day not to place any expectation of being able to spend that 1.5hrs of that time like before is a failure. 
i continued to wait. 

and then i realised something..... this can never last. this is just the beginning or should i say, its the mid of transition to an end.... 
it is just a matter of time... 

Behind the smiles and laughters

Bismillah....

Its been really long since i last blogged. Too long that I almost forgot my password. Oh dear!

It has been a roller coaster ride of my emotions the last 3 months. Which I believed there is a blessing and a learning points to the challenges I faced.

 

Where do I start, everything happened too fast.

 

Before Ramadhan, mom went for a minor surgery to remove her gallstones. Weeks prior to that, had been going for occasional checks and all was handled by me alone. Its hard at times, getting the other siblings to cooperate and take turns, even on the day of her surgery, they came like other visitors. Swallowing the pains that I feel, I even had to arrange her discharge before I went for a quick getaway with my fam before Ramadhan.... and a new challenge kicks in.

 

While we were taking that short trip, hub broke the news of taking his parents in for a reason which every child would do.. Without second thoughts, I agreed. And, a day before Ramadhan, they stepped into our home.

 

Everything was fine, until, I realised something is missing somewhere. I did something which I've never done before, preparing break-fast for the family despite rushing from work. I was happy with the new responsibility not until I realised, hey, i'm the only one doing this with my gerls. Hub was definitely unable to give a helping hand, as he will only be home after all of us had eaten. The rest, was totally not cooperating. Hanging on still... Until a lil misunderstanding happened between MIL and me two weeks before Raya.. i left my opinions straight, and they decided to leave my home till a day before Raya.

 

Eve of Raya, I was such an enthusiastic and motivated person. I cooked my first Raya dishes on my own. Overwhelmed by my own capability. Alhamdulillah. I didnt speak much. The norm of my character if there is anything that I'm not pleased of.

I have never encounter waking up late on raya days.... until in-laws came to stay with me. Being the only one who woke up very early to prepare things, it is an eye-sore especially when one woke up  minutes before visitors came only to start instructing and demanding. Having a SIL that is not much of a help when you need an assistant badly. I never failed to prepare anything for visitors espescially those from my hub family. I was definitely happy preparing them, but the responses and reactions that I got from MIL was like a scratch that slowly deepens and piercing through the flesh.

 

Another challenge on the last week of Syawal. I caught hub off-guard exchanging mushy-mushy messages with a Pinoy. I shut myself out from the people at home. I ignored hub unless anything that requires my immediate attention. For a week, until he decided to apologise and explained. That day, I was sick again. From then on, he paid extra attention towards me. He began to realise too, how much I've put in effort for the comfort of his family.  

 

Raya over, normal routine kicks in. And without realising, I've been falling sick. I cooked for the family, only to realise, they are not eating it. I cleaned up my house, only to know there are people who are not happy with it and misunderstood my purpose. People are being insensitve and inconsiderate while the gerls are studying.  I no longer spend my rest time watching my favourite tv series. I'm cooped up in my own room after dinner at Mom's. I faced terrible headaches and migraines. I am hardly at my own house despite my absence from work for my MCS. My gerls shared things that are so heartbreaking. And I realised I have most of the symptoms of stress.

 

Thou many times I heard, they will be leaving; the turning point was when my SIL started checking on my lil princess hp and read through our conversations. That was the final take. I couldnt accept the fact that one can simply breach one's trust. MIL was on her side despite knowing it was wrong to do so. I didnt get involve in the confrontation.

 

And finally, they left the next day.... not even wait for us to be home. Oh well, that's what usually happen. They will leave when no one is at home. Leaving us with a question mark.

 

I was the most happiest person. Not being rude here. But I finally smell freedom.... I was too happy to be home early that day, that I took a cab home. Immediately, put my laundry into the washing machine, mopped the floor with hot water, vacuum.... tired, but satisfied.

 

Alhamdulillah. Everything is slowly back to normal. My health has improved. The gerls are happy.

 

Mr. Love was finally called in for interview by MOE. Alhamdulillah. And the interview went well too. I'm happy for him. We rarely meet for lunch now, but I know he is always there for me.

He rushed from work one of the days to join us, when I told him, my sis and HK are coming to pick me up for lunch. I appreciate his time very much. But, I couldnt deny having less attention at times. Occasionally he will pick me up to work. Ya, any time he could fit me in to his schedule.

Like yesterday, unplanned "date" to spend time with each other. I miss him much.

 

I'm reminded of our conversation... "dah 4 years eh dear. that's quite long..... ya, 4 years. kalau ada anak dah brp ramai agaknya...." hahaha!! an impromtu statement.

 

I love you dear!