This blog has been left without a single word for a year plus..... and it took me a few tries trying to recall the correct email acct to access in.... and I'm beginning to miss my blogging too just like how I'm missing him much. (the truth is; there is something to blog about :D)
the last that I blogged on a year's back was on Mr. Love's return to school... he is still in school now, but a totally different path. yup, so much have changed. even the feelings that I had for him was a challenge. I hungered for his love and I was missing him so much, but the time constraint, thou' he made an effort to meet me almost every morn back then, was of not much help. He was under lots of pressure in his first school and I know it wasn't easy for him....... For me, I miss the quality time spent with each other.
And then, a change again... to another school. This time, a little less pressure, erk! mybe not so little.
but the consolation that I got out of this, we got to travel out together. *wide smile*
and that short trip changed the "hard-stoned-heart" of mine drastically. a heart which I froze it bcos I didn't want to feel hurt and disappointed. the heart which I guarded it for months, bcos missing him hurts me a lot. I was cold in my conversation with him. I know I had hurt him in a way. But, what he didn't know, I teared each time I hung down the phone. My heart shrunk. I was too hard on myself, affecting him too... just so that I don't feel the emptiness in me.
The overseas trip was not exactly what triggered the soft-spot of my heart. but our meet on Good Friday morning, after months of not seeing each other. he was already at my place, waiting for hours, and left, but turned back again, when i replied his chats. That few hours of meet, drove me crazy... cos' I'm missing him more than before. And, surprisingly, a week after, we met again. This time, we went home together. He was out in town supposedly to settle his stuff, but ended up leaving it behind. That is him right??
Now that we travel in public transport (most times), I'm ignorant of my surroundings. There was only me and him. And i see only him (*shock emoticon in place*). I'm in love?
I didn't start my trip with joy. I hid the pains I had. That's my true character. I'll just swallow everything and keep silence. I didn't get to have breakfast with love that morning bcos' everything was so uncertain. But Alhamdulillah, everything went smoothly when we were there. And what makes it more special, it was our 6th anniversary.
We sneaked away from our friends just to spend time with each other. The first night brought us to movie, "Eye In The Sky". a very simple plot, but the companion of someone whom you love, made it more interesting. I remembered how he innocently held my hands and wrapped his arms around my waist while we walked up to the theatre... seriously, mcm org tak bersalah like that. While me, I hate crossing across a road without traffic lights, and that night, I held to his pants, the side of it... and what put me to laughter till i got home when he said... "awak jangan tarik seluar saya, nanti terlondeh"... OMG!!! This man!!!
Day 2 (the last day to spend with each other), we executed our plan after we were back from our Games. Alhamdulillah, it went smoothly. I couldn't recall when was the last time we get to spend time with each other, But, we really made use of the time we had there. The laughters, the smackings, the tickles... I WANNA GO BACK THERE!!! The weirdest thing of all, to sit infront of the mirror, talking to each other, hugging. Weirdo!
Every moves and touch, symbolizes the love that we had for each other. I couldn't explain more, it could only be felt.
I didn't tell him how much I love to see him dressed up for the farewell dinner. (he would know if he reads this blog). We exchanged smiles throughout the night. Eye contacts was not an exception. Despite being close to each other, WA-ing was not left out... and I couldn't wait for the dinner to end because we have another date for that night. That explains why I wasn't really eating... haha!!
And we spent the last night with a slice of Secret Recipe's cake (shared!) and an instant Maggie (which doesnt' really compliments the cake, hehehe). That was because I was hungry, Yet, the cake was shared. okay! okay!
It was our last night. Thou' I wished that I didnt sleep; well, I had to sleep. And waking up to an alarm at 4am in the morning, was a lil quirky. I bargained for another 15mins, hoping he will hug me, which he didnt (sad). Washed up, dressed up, waited for him and I dozed off again... hehe....
Below was what I wrote to him, days after we were back in SG... my true feelings of the night....
I snug in his arm that night thou' its only for a few hours. Looking at him sleep with his soft snores. I couldn't describe how I feel at that moment but the feeling of being safe with him. He was calm in his sleep despite being tired. I took every chance I could to look at him closely and secretly told myself, how lucky I was to be with him. I chose to be pampered by him in my request, my moves and my actions; probably unknown to him. Cos I know I might not have another opportunity again.
As we got prepared to leave again this time for a real goodbye to the trip, I leaned onto him while he wore his socks. I was reluctant to leave, definitely. I was disillusioned and my mood changed automatically. And the last tight hugs was the best ever. Throughout my journey home, I was with a heavy heart with an unwilling smiles portrayed. And I finally let my cries out in the shower at home. My worst feelings of missing him and that made me realized how much I love him all these years.
It took me weeks to adjust to not having him by my side. And it was only a 3days trip that we had, yet I felt so much lost.... I had sleepless nights, I still do. I miss him terribly... And I could still recall, when I teared infront of him, after our date while waiting for my train. A date that he planned after the trip. And, a few more meet-ups and dates, Alhamdulillah. Not forgetting, the surprise visit to D'Marquee while I was having my SWAPD. Crazy! Yes!!! That was the first time ever, I chose to swallow my anger, my words, my patience becos' I love him that much.
Love,
While it sounds undeniably wonderful, full of happiness, laughters and surprises... it could also be the most painful thing to be felt.
Love,
As it penetrates through the eyes of the lovers, slip in to the hearts, bringing out the smiles in search of the lips.... it reflects in out actions and moves.
And this Love,
Is Allah's greatest gift to us.
It was only yesterday that we had another date.... Every date, has its memories.. And yesterday's will not be forgotten..... First, crossing the road. Okay, this time, out of nowhere, he suddenly pulled my hand and held it.. i could feel that i had stiffen my arm, and shook a little since he didnt let it go even after we had crossed the road. Not too sure if it was done on purpose (to hold my hand) or he didnt realised it, he finally let it go....
Secondly, while going down the escalotor. I was a level below him, he was saying something, i tilted my head backwards and he kissed my forehead unexpectedly. I was stunned, held my forehead, dah rasa macam nak pening2 gitu.... haha!! He was never like that in public..... I guess I was right when I told Kakak we are "ting-tong" after our return from our trip!!!
But above-all...... I love him with all of my heart. I miss him in every of my heartbeat. I told him before that he should be happy of my love towards him. As I've never loved and missed someone as much as I feel towards him. Thou' I don't deny, mine is a "hard-love". It took me a very long time to confess to him. And I don't blame him for judging me all these years. And I truly hope, he doesn't doubt my love anymore. And becos' of all these, I became overly pampered towards him. Sometimes, I felt like I'm flirting with him.. haha!!
Well, I just want to be with him.. typing this out breaks me down... with tears trickling down my cheeks. Such a simple word "i want to be with him" but an action that is hard to be reached.
I seek Allah's mercy in our relationship. Too embarrassed to ask HIM for more. But I never failed to ask Allah to strengthen this love and bind it till Jannah. And give me the chance to BE WITH HIM in this world, for me to take care of him with the love that I have.
We create memories out of the love we have.
And we crash through the forbidden love without turning back
We smile and laugh to the little silly things we did
With teary eyes that strengthen the love.
With hopes as high as the sky we persevere
An ocean depth of love we hold
In hope of the day that will bind this love.....
The love that we created out of LOVE.
Sayang, if you are reading. Please remember to pick me up if I ever fall... Hug me tight if I ever feel like giving up. I am not as strong as you think. And I need you to always be with me.
I love you!
