Alhamdulillah, im 34

When i was young, I used to be very excited comes oct 22, cos i will be showered with lots of love, gifts and treats.... but, as the age increases, the momentums change...... it becomes a normal daily routine....

Alhamdulillah, im contented to be receiving lots of bday wishes and doas through my fb, wassap, sms.... telling me that i have friends who still remember me in a way or another. Very much blessed. 

Mr.Love sudden change of lunch venue surprised me a lot... it never crossed my mind that he would want to try lunching at Star Vista. Which is just metres away from my building. Pleasant surprise indeed on a special day. I am very much appreciate the sacrification he made; to have something different and walking into candy empire wih me for a packet of honeycomb chox. So much love. 

Our 2nd day of lunch after almost 2 weeks of absence. 

Suddenly i feel so empty and lonely in me.... while i am blogging, no one is home... princess are next door, and mr.hubby not home yet. While i wish for a lil surprise; the least to be fetched at work, only to be left wz a message that he will be home late. I am right to say its just a normal daily routine. No more gifts that u expect to be showered with on your birthday... 

The cries behind the big big laughter......

Someone mentioned he owes me lots of hugs, which i still wonder why i was not given even one today. 

True confession: sad

Maybe, there shall not be anymore hugs..... *shoulders up*

letting it go.

There are things we dont want to happen, but have to accept
Things we dont wanna know, but have to learn...
And people we cant live wihout, but have to let go....

kenyataan

Apa yang kita impikan tak semestinya apa yang kita lalui..... itulah kenyataan.....

Drama sangkar, which i have been following online during my lunch hours, is an eye-opener..... the final episode which i watched today, was the truth that we have to face..... we cant be having everything we want...,

Two best-friend, of a different gender, have each other as a companion. The guy, comes from a rich family, while the girl, is his opposite... but, he had never looked down on her. They love each other but had never expressed it. Challenges after challenges she had to face, alone, because her companion, often ran away from his problems. Until the death of her mother, he was not beside her too.... and she finally accepted a proposal made by her own bestfriend's father. It was too late for him, when he expressed his love, cos she had made up her mind. But, she made him promise her that, he will continue to stay in the same house, and take care of her........ and he did. Her love for him is still strong, despite the status had changed to being his stepmom..... he cared for her, although he protest in silence. And one day, he decided to settle down with a girl who have been patiently loving him. He seeked her permission, and even agreed to stop his intention if she disagree. She was happy to tell him, this could be the best for them, thou it reflects in her eyes she was in much pain too....

The day he left their home, after his ceremony, he entered her room for the last time. Nothing was being said, but the expression on their faces explains it all.... they hugged for the last time with tears, and he kissed her on her forehead with that much love left..... 

What we hope to happen in life, may not turn out to be what we want. He was right when he said, she cant have everyhing. While she tried to face the challenges in life, he left her all alone. And its all too late by the time he realised it. Thats part and parcel of life isnt it..... oh well.....

Its been a tiring days... last week, one of aunt passed away. Was up the whole nite attending to the preparation of her funeral. Alhamdulillah, it went well, and it was my first in mandikan jenazah. 

Backaches slowly improving.... only to be down wih fever, flu and cough on friday.... must be the bug. 

Last mon, eve of eid adha, was arwah abah 16th annv..,, how time flies.... missing him terribly. 

My routine remains the same..... all smiles with that little secret kept within me..... truth of a life...... 

chats..

Wats left on the chats... was either not received or read....
Neither was any chats left for me to read....
Wen i mentioned everytg had changed slowly but surely...
It was denied with reasons....
It is the only mode of communication that we used to have before to keep each other updated or least the love going...
And i never failed to keep checking every now and then, waiting n hopeful of any chats left behind for me to read, only to be left disappointed lately......


And so i decided.......

true stubborness.....

And who holds the title for that?.......... mr.stubborn al-degil......
Cant blog more, he is just next to me.

stubborn vs stubborn

i was at work this morning, normal routine of work. the only difference is i unplugged my telephone line; not wanting to be disturbed. not until kakak couldnt reach me as i avoided all calls & wassap too. i was too emotionally disturbed by my hopes, my level of missing someone terribly, my ignorance, all of the mixed feelings that i have..... only to know that kakak seek another alternative to look for me and that is thru him. *slaps forehead

And so the numerous wassap kept coming through my mobile by him..... panjang berjela, niat dihati tknak balas, kesian lah pula.... cos he knew i was reading his msgs. Sigh! The person who created wassap should modify the apps in a way where the sender didnt know the msgs had been read. That would save me from being caught like this morning.

If only he knows how much i want to meet him today, he would probably be at my workplace instead of asking if i wanna see him.... am i wrong to love him so much? Am i wrong to miss him terribly? What is wrong with me? Have i forgotten where I stand? Have I forgotten that I had only asked a part of his love only? Am i not contented? I wish i could just cry outloud, and not keep it within me cos it  hurts a lot.

Dia pun boleh tahan degil juga macam aku.... tak tahu lah if dia sengaja je cakap besok nk jumpa, knowing that its friday, and the rest of his fam at jb. At this point, i really didnt want him to waste his time travelling to sg, just for the sake of compensating today's failed meet up. Worst still, checking his chat at the causeway. Sigh!!!!!! Because of that uncertainty, i decided to just apply leave tmr. Tunggu jelah updates.... kalau dia nak jumpa, then i see him, else, i just roam ard anywhere till noon, before i go home. I already refrain him from  executing his idea, but unsure if he will listen  to me. Dekni kadang-kadang full of 'surprises'

Tadi dia kata aku nie manja sangat? Dia blum nampak lagi manja aku yang sebenar. Tadi baru sekejap MIA. dah cakap macam2... ilmu tinggilah, ilmu ghaib lah, ilmu falsafah lah... sabar!! sabar!! 

wen the heart cries

Disappointment yet again. Wen stupidity went out of control and couldnt see the change. Thats how i see myself now. I shouldnt be hopeful, but again i harboured on that feeling. Such a fool to myself.

when u wish upon a wish....

Migraines was never the best companion. After close to two weeks, last weekend was the turning point. Throbbing pains, eyes barely could open, sleepless nights, nausea... and today is my 2nd day of rest at home.

Just when i thought that i could take this time to see him (its been slightly more than a week i guess), every hope was overturned. Thou, he did ask, his qns, somehow make me feel he is not comfortable wz it. Bcos' eldest was home early today. Sigh!!

The problem lies wz me, just when i so look forward to see him, when convenience was brought up, questions after questions being asked, that is when, i wish i hadnt been too hopeful. 

I never seem to learn. The results of being too hopeful......