THE FALL

I do not know why, each time i am feeling down, i will turn to the blog and start ranting. Its been quite awhile since i last blogged. I thought i might not want to write anymore. But i guess, the blog is my best place to let everything out. 

 Right now, i'm at my lowest point. I am super sensitive to the happenings around me. Walaupun aku tak minta setiap perbuatan aku dihargai, sekurang-kurangnya jagalah hati aku. Is that too much to ask for? I just felt that I'm alone. Going through all these, marriage, husband, kids, work, parent, siblings... handling them at my very best, ALONE, is tough. Espescially when, u needed a help that much, and no one was there. 

 While i was emotionally "fell" the week before, mind kept thinking of what actually hubby wants from me, reflecting myself, where i possibly went wrong, have i not done enuff, i fell again physically on monday, which adds to my most emotional setbacks. Strong on the surface, but i failed inside me. I felt so helpless. Thou he sent me the clinic and rubbed my bruises, he was not there to assist me. Not there to hold my hand when i walked from the carpark to the clinic and back again to the car. How hard i potrayed my strong look. Held stronger to my tears. Not wanting my precious tears to "fall" too infront of him. His strong ego for the misundertandings we had, couldnt be soften with the abrasions on my sheen and the bruises on my thigh. At that very moment when I took my rest, I wish I could rest forever peacefully, and no longer troubles anyone. 

 Having siblings are definitely a blessing, but not when they only mind their own problems. Come to you when they are troubled. But ignored you when you are at your downfall. I wonder what will happen to Mom if i am no longer around. Will they take care of her rightfully? Will they be attentive to her needs? Ya Allah, janganlah Kau matikan nyawaku sebelum Ibuku kecuali Kau lebih Mengetahui beliau akan sentiasa dalam jagaan yang sempurna. Ameen. 

 Mr Love has been my greatest help. He was there for me this morning, while I'm at my most uncomfortable condition to take the public transport. Thank you Sayang. 
InsyaAllah, I'll train later k when I'm going home. I'm sure the people will give way to me. You dont worry about me. 

While others sympathise with my condition, there are also those who are ignorant. Lumrah kehidupan. I'm grateful that Allah gives me a strong heart. But I couldnt control it well. I am easily sensitive and I teared. But I'm sure, I have those who loves me more than I could ever imagine. That turns the table. And I'm happy thinking about it. 

 Dear, I need you. I need you there to support and comfort me. I need you there to pamper me. Cukup lah sekadar chats. I know you cant be physically with me always. Well, that is good enuff. Saya rindu awak sangat. So please, take good care of yourself too, your health. I need you more than anything else. My love for u grows with every of my heartbeat. I cant thank you enough dear....
Love you with all my heart.