wrong

the first time i blog from home while waiting for my appointment schedule... sitting on my couch by my corridor window, with the wind blowing aimlessly... i ponder where could it possibly went wrong.

just 3 days ago, we were out together, and 3 days later our hearts are disturbed. i blame myself for not being able to control my own emotions. i blame myself for letting him know what my wild thoughts were. i blame myself for adding more problems to what he already had. i blame myself for not being able to be his best companion like how he probably expect me to. and i blame myself for the hurts he could have right now.

i was wrong to let him know my disappointments towards him for being able to spend some time with his friends instead of our last lunch before Ramadhan. i should have known and just be contented that the time he spent with me was the last. i am beginning to be possessive of my love. which is absolutely wrong. i am sorry.

all these will not happen, if i hadnt initiated the photoshots 3 years ago. all of our wrongdoings will not have happen, if i had not asked for his love. the root cause is me. i am terribly sorry.

i really do not know what i should do. what is best for us. i couldnt bring myself to leave this relationship for my love towards him grows stronger each day. but i couldnt deny too that each passing days i've been harbouring my feelings. it is not easy either.

 

disebalik

disebalik kekecewaan disitulah harapan

disebalik kesedihan disitulah ketenangan

disebalik kepahitan disitulah kemanisan

disebalik kekesalan disitulah keinsafan

disebalik kekhilafan disitulah pengajaran

disebalik kebencian disitulah kasih sayang

disebalik kepalsuan disitulah kebenaran

disebalik ketidak kesempurnaan disitulah permulaan

dan 'disebalik' itulah segala bentuk ujian kesabaran......

trying hard to compose myself.... trying hard to heal my own disappointments.... trying hard to pretend that i'm ok when i'm actually not.... trying hard to not think of spending the time that i've been hopeful and look forward to.... trying hard to remind myself that its the quality time and not quantity time that is important....

almost there. and i'm sure i will be perfectly fine. and the only way to overcome all that is to be completely in silence.

can't help but to just tear.... and i seriously hate myself for this sensitivity.....

silent cries

I go through life day by day
So many words I cannot say
All the secrets that I treasure
Are secrets that no one can measure
No one seems to hear my silent cries
I'm tired of living a life of lies
All the people I hold dear
Just can't seem to hear

t e r r i b l y

m i s s i n g

presence-absence-memories

when presence is being appreciated,

absence are being missed

and memories being refreshed.....

two weeks to Ramadhan.... a week left to have some time spend personally with love.... and time is kindda limited. thou' i know the usual communication, updates, sharings will remain its nothing compared to being with him. although it is just a 20mins drive plus a 25mins talk in a car by the drop-off point, i still enjoy that moment. even without a drink *big smile with hidung kembang* err, dont try to do that dear :)

sometimes, timbul juga rasa kesian towards him and myself. pity him for he needs to make a longer and rush trip at times, pity myself for always checking on the time. will there be a day where i dont have to check on the time when i'm with him? Allah knows best...

well, being a little hopeful lately but kindda disappointed. the feeling that i strongly hoping for a little one has been occupying my mind only to be surprised by an early sign of "its not the time yet". couldnt deny the pressure i have with hubby who kept counting the days. knowing i'm not the type of person who keeps track. but i'm glad i am one who get things over quickly, not harping on it and gets emotionally affected by the disapointments. and all praises to Allah.

somehow the brain sidetracked to the conversation i had earlier with love.... the way he tried to imitate me when i questioned him of his lesser suprised visit... haha!! and now i'm trying hard not to burst into laughter. he can be a total joker at times. batman nya joker pun kalah. thank god, my colleague is still on leave, else she will be wondering why am i quietly laughing to myself. i had began to imagine his facial expression while he tried to imitate my quick squirky voice. dia punya usik orang sekarang, makin menjadi and its when u least expect it. and now, i'm reminded of our time spent at the bowling alley. the fan's blade which was wrongly fixed, padanlah tak rasa angin. allahuakhbar! i'm like totally giggling to myself now. all thanks to my bowling practice later and somehow recalled my bowling sessions with him. i so missed that moment very much. that does not add to the time where we had our first and last session with kakak and hang kebun.... that was the most lepak moment. sampai ada yang tergolek2 kat alley tu. and si joker pun boleh ikut rentak. sometimes, when you are surrounded by good company, the childishness of onself was unknowingly exposed. and he never failed to make me smile. and i love him each day.

I wonder how true when people say, "sometimes one can be the best companion one could ever have, but they are not meant to live together." if i could ever be given a choice, "i would love to live together with my best companion".

and i want you to know that i am missing and loving you lots

a week

it's been a week love return from his trip..... yeah, purposely waited till he meet up with me before i start blogging again.... *eyebrows up-evil grins* *stop-your-cheeky-smile-too*

and so, he was back to work since mon, but only had the chance to meet me for lunch today..

he looks good, alhamdulillah.... 7kg down, err, yet to believe, but, got to agree he did shed a little...

a little only okay!

i am happy to see him... the norm of sharing stories, all ears, and the geez was of course, the meet of his ex-gf at madinah.... hmm.... mcm cerita adam dan hawa pula... i was truthfully forgotten about what he shared months back of her trip there too, until, that look from his face, when he said, guess whom i met at madinah... and ting-ting-ting, cepat pula brain nie works. okay, tts enough to write about.

i'm very happy. yup. it's been awhile since we last joke and teased each other. and tangan dia tu masih macam dulu, macam sotong. thankfully, my ketam finger still behave.... anyway,  i was made known of his return through a short wassap on fri. that was enough to end my clueless-ness of his safe return. and i'm contented that he still remember to at least update me. thank you dear.

i loved you 3years ago. still in love with you, and insya'Allah will continue to love you many more years to come....... love and miss you lots.

absence

"absence makes the heart grows fonder"

missing him terribly.....

just as i was about to recover from my fever, flu and cough, i was sick again on wed night. took a day off from work on thurs, the same day he left for his trip.....

while i couldnt stop thinking of him, i was surprised by a text message by a colleague who told me of my promotion... i was overjoyed.

i wanted him to be among the first to know of my good news. but there was no way i could reach him.

left him chats, but left unreplied. thus, i decided to send him a wassap a quarter to 6pm,

where he definitely was already at the airport....

and a simple reply from him was received.

it's been only a week since i last seen him.

and i couldnt deny further that i miss him so much.

came back to office today, only to realise he left me a mail on sunday.

i was happy. at least i know he's doing good there.....

this may sound crazy, but, i kept checking my ym chats, knowing its impossible for him to access the internet. but, i had a pleasant surprise from him... the email left for me was more i could ask for.

i love him lots.