t e r r i b l y

m i s s i n g

presence-absence-memories

when presence is being appreciated,

absence are being missed

and memories being refreshed.....

two weeks to Ramadhan.... a week left to have some time spend personally with love.... and time is kindda limited. thou' i know the usual communication, updates, sharings will remain its nothing compared to being with him. although it is just a 20mins drive plus a 25mins talk in a car by the drop-off point, i still enjoy that moment. even without a drink *big smile with hidung kembang* err, dont try to do that dear :)

sometimes, timbul juga rasa kesian towards him and myself. pity him for he needs to make a longer and rush trip at times, pity myself for always checking on the time. will there be a day where i dont have to check on the time when i'm with him? Allah knows best...

well, being a little hopeful lately but kindda disappointed. the feeling that i strongly hoping for a little one has been occupying my mind only to be surprised by an early sign of "its not the time yet". couldnt deny the pressure i have with hubby who kept counting the days. knowing i'm not the type of person who keeps track. but i'm glad i am one who get things over quickly, not harping on it and gets emotionally affected by the disapointments. and all praises to Allah.

somehow the brain sidetracked to the conversation i had earlier with love.... the way he tried to imitate me when i questioned him of his lesser suprised visit... haha!! and now i'm trying hard not to burst into laughter. he can be a total joker at times. batman nya joker pun kalah. thank god, my colleague is still on leave, else she will be wondering why am i quietly laughing to myself. i had began to imagine his facial expression while he tried to imitate my quick squirky voice. dia punya usik orang sekarang, makin menjadi and its when u least expect it. and now, i'm reminded of our time spent at the bowling alley. the fan's blade which was wrongly fixed, padanlah tak rasa angin. allahuakhbar! i'm like totally giggling to myself now. all thanks to my bowling practice later and somehow recalled my bowling sessions with him. i so missed that moment very much. that does not add to the time where we had our first and last session with kakak and hang kebun.... that was the most lepak moment. sampai ada yang tergolek2 kat alley tu. and si joker pun boleh ikut rentak. sometimes, when you are surrounded by good company, the childishness of onself was unknowingly exposed. and he never failed to make me smile. and i love him each day.

I wonder how true when people say, "sometimes one can be the best companion one could ever have, but they are not meant to live together." if i could ever be given a choice, "i would love to live together with my best companion".

and i want you to know that i am missing and loving you lots

a week

it's been a week love return from his trip..... yeah, purposely waited till he meet up with me before i start blogging again.... *eyebrows up-evil grins* *stop-your-cheeky-smile-too*

and so, he was back to work since mon, but only had the chance to meet me for lunch today..

he looks good, alhamdulillah.... 7kg down, err, yet to believe, but, got to agree he did shed a little...

a little only okay!

i am happy to see him... the norm of sharing stories, all ears, and the geez was of course, the meet of his ex-gf at madinah.... hmm.... mcm cerita adam dan hawa pula... i was truthfully forgotten about what he shared months back of her trip there too, until, that look from his face, when he said, guess whom i met at madinah... and ting-ting-ting, cepat pula brain nie works. okay, tts enough to write about.

i'm very happy. yup. it's been awhile since we last joke and teased each other. and tangan dia tu masih macam dulu, macam sotong. thankfully, my ketam finger still behave.... anyway,  i was made known of his return through a short wassap on fri. that was enough to end my clueless-ness of his safe return. and i'm contented that he still remember to at least update me. thank you dear.

i loved you 3years ago. still in love with you, and insya'Allah will continue to love you many more years to come....... love and miss you lots.

absence

"absence makes the heart grows fonder"

missing him terribly.....

just as i was about to recover from my fever, flu and cough, i was sick again on wed night. took a day off from work on thurs, the same day he left for his trip.....

while i couldnt stop thinking of him, i was surprised by a text message by a colleague who told me of my promotion... i was overjoyed.

i wanted him to be among the first to know of my good news. but there was no way i could reach him.

left him chats, but left unreplied. thus, i decided to send him a wassap a quarter to 6pm,

where he definitely was already at the airport....

and a simple reply from him was received.

it's been only a week since i last seen him.

and i couldnt deny further that i miss him so much.

came back to office today, only to realise he left me a mail on sunday.

i was happy. at least i know he's doing good there.....

this may sound crazy, but, i kept checking my ym chats, knowing its impossible for him to access the internet. but, i had a pleasant surprise from him... the email left for me was more i could ask for.

i love him lots.

all about him

never feel this bored at work before. its really a dry day for me.... been thinking a lot about him... ran though some of my writings on us in one of my "diary".... so much love, so much fun, so much time spent together and communicated....

came across one of my writings on one of the days where he asked, why do i love him...... 

and i wrote.

"his never-ending love that he has been showering me with, his sincerity, his care and concern which i realised from Day 1. I've not met someone who will show his love endlessly, who will ensure that his love is made known to his partner, who will always wants to know if his partner loves and still loves him."

sadly, he has never really gotten a constant answer from me.... but he doesnt know that, i do constantly say my love towards him, constantly say that i miss him to myself without his knowledge.

Came across another....

"he asked, how is it feel to fall in love? cos' this is the first time he is feeling falling in love. the feeling of falling in love with me. And so i halted, am i too?"...... "had our usual conversations after lunch and he suddenly said, "saya nak nikah dengan awak...." in my heart, macamana aku nak jawap.... "

i may lie to him, that i don't love him,  i don't miss him...

but i can't lie to myself that i'm deeply in love with him and i miss him so much...

ya, i'm feeling very sad right now. i wish he could be beside me now and hug me tight.

a day left....

a day left before his departure. and as always, he will be busy. i forsee no calls from him today.

while i tried to occupy my time with reading.... keeping myself busy with work, (now i wish,, this period is the financial closing, so that my hands and mind are tight with docs, calculations, deadlines), i couldnt help but think of him. his smiley face keeps screening through my eyes. thanks to his wassap photo yest, showing off his shades, he made me feel the lost more after receiving his photo. Disillusioned.

that moment....

it's that same feeling that i'm having right now that i had 2years ago when he left me for his hajj. thou' its a shorter period this time round, just like how he left me for his umrah last year, i'm beginning to feel the lost yet again...... i'm missing him terribly deep inside me.

portraying the so-called snob-i-dont-care look from my face, deeply inside me, I would want to be in his tight hug. I want to be kissed by him on my forehead. I would want to spend longer time with him...... i just wanna be with him.... but i doubt he knows how i feel..... he couldnt feel my love. i didnt show him enough or probably any... it's my own fault. my own lost. while he tried to squeeze his time to meet me over lunch, there i was, stubborness versus the urge to give him a kiss; okay, its ego.

if only.....

if only.....

i wish "if only" could be true and not only something that i dream of......

i dont know if you will be reading this.......

"there are only 4 men in my life that are so dear to me. Very much close to my heart. It was never easy for me to say to these 4 men how much they meant to me. And I know that, they do not know either how much I care and love them most.... It does hurt, I know, for them to feel that I am not showing them my concern, my love, my care but it hurt me too for choosing to keep it within me. some of the consequences that i have to bear.

You are one of those 4 that has got a place in my heart. And, you are the only one, who has been getting most of my love messages. one of the lucky 4 i must say :)

if only dear, i could have a week to be with you. a full week, just the two of us. u will know how much u mean to me. how much i love you more than u could think of.

i was never pissed nor am i bored with you... but my impatience-ness  drove me to my nerve. i wish you could be there for me when i'm unwell. but i know your other priorities, i understand the tight schedule you are having. but, a woman is still a woman.... she needs to be constantly love and pampered. maybe, i am not trying hard enough to understand you. i'm sorry."

"Ya Allah, kau permudahkan lah perjalanan dan segala urusannya disana nanti. Kau lindungilah perjalanan beliau dari awal hingga kembalinya beliau bersama dengan isterinya. Kau berkatilah perjalanan mereka dan limpahkanlah rahmatMu disetiap langkah kaki mereka. Ameen Ya Rabbal  Al'amin"