dilema rindu

as i'm blogging right now, the song, dilema rindu is being played on the radio.... macam tahu je si DJ nie rasa gunda dihati ini

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I'm just back from lunch, an early and quick one with love since we last met last wed after he ended his bowling game. its been a tough week.

as each day passed, i wonder how long can i hang on to this feeling. its been three years, and this is not a fairytale story where most of the time its happy ending; thou' i wish it could happen to me. But this feeling that i have, is a challenge. a challenge where, every single day, i longed for him, hopeful of his presence, terribly miss being in his arms, and the biggest challenge of all, trying my hardest to cast, throw, push away that envious feeling that is slowly developing in me each time he shared of his teasers with his other half.... Gosh! i really hate myself for this. that feeling had never existed before, but lately, its been bothering me... what is wrong with me!!!

love after marriage not with your other half, but the "other half"...... many times i asked myself, "why am i in love with him", i do not have the answer to that. but im so much in love with him. is this wrong?

sadly, he often claimed that he don't feel my love. that saddens me the most. he doesn't know how much i love him. he doesnt know how hard i tried not to show too much, so that i won't feel the disappointment for hoping too much. how else can i show it to him? binded only through chats....and we can't be seen on public like any other couple. thou' i miss those times where we held each other's hand and walk by each other's side.

dear, u don't know how i feel..... u don't know how much i miss you.... u never know how i have been consoling myself each time i couldnt be out for lunch with you the least..... u don't know how i tried to hold back my tears each time i think of us..... how long dear, will this go on? i'm so afraid, i ain't that strong. thou' my love towards you is stronger that you could ever think of....

but i do i believe, u do take care of my heart...... love you always......

time of my own...

it has been a hectic days.... the financial year closing wasnt as smooth as i expected it to be.... breathing in and out, enduring every single rush thou' it does drive me to the edge of my patience....

well, 2 days of outing for me last week, and an unexpected surprise by the love one when he joined me during my outing with my cousins. a saviour too to a shorter route home. despite the pretence of "oh well, he is just a friend", i was of course elated with him around. a "passport-opportunity" i must say :)

i love him lots.

alhamdulillah, the journey to majlis rasul in putrajaya was smooth and may our presence there and those who were not able to join us be blessed by Allah swt. Ameen.

Another surprise for me over the weekend was the sms alert for my performance bonus this year. alhamdulillah, a lil more than last year, in appreciation of my service rendered to work. blessed.

love has been a little busy than usual this week, the norm when it comes to school holidays. i'm tight up with my financial closing. and that explains the no-lunch date for this week.
missing him badly? of course, definitely yes.

70% of the elder's bday celebration are done. something to perk her up, and hopefully she appreciates every single thing that i've done for her.

thinking of my love one right now, and hope he is thinking of me too.....

Mixed Feelings

adakalanya kita perlu mengatakan sesuatu yang melanggar keinginan atau harapan sendiri demi membahagiakan orang yang kita sayang..... lebih tepat, agar orang yang kita sayang tu, tak merasa terbeban atau serba salah dengan apa yang kita harapkan.....

well, it just happened.

it's a mixed feelings after all.... i do not know if i'm actually feeling disappointed, sad or...... sigh!!! sometimes, it's best not to plan, so that you dont look forward to anything.

been hearing and reading this phrase anywhere, "when a lady says she's all right, not to worry, she'll be fine, she's OK; she's actually not" guess, i gotto agree with it.....

i wish i know what's in your mind, so that i do not have to assume.

it saddens me, in a way or another. for once, i'm at a loss of words. there is so much that i wanna let out, but i just do not know what to write.

everything in life comes with a sacrification.....

even your love towards someone.....

i couldnt explain the reason why i am in love with you.... 

and is it right to be in love with you....

but all i want is to be close to you.

to share with you everything i could

to laugh with you.

to cry in your hugs. 

all the time....... 

when the heart speaks....

i am not as strong as i look, and the heart is trying her very best to be stronger
while i cant deny being envious with what i heard, i am trying hard to be a good listener...

my heart speaks more than i do.... together with the broad imagination i have....
smiling to every conversation that comes from the heart, saddens with the possibilities she brings up, and all these are safely kept within myself.

well, it was a zero lunch meet last week, and it improved this week by a day. and our lunch this time was accompanied by a third party. alhamdulillah.
there was a new icon this week; the icon of a rose which i received it several time over a day's chat. and the day after. but today was none. it is alright to forget the rose icon, but i hope i will not be forgotten over the years....

if only you know how much you mean to me....
if only you know how much i need you dearly....
if only you know how much i long for your touch...
if only you know how i wanna be in your hug....
if only you know how hard i try to deny my love towards you for a reason....
if only you know how much i miss you terribly when weekend comes....
if only you know how i tried to hold back my tears and covers it with a smile....
if only you know how i think of you every seconds im awake....
if only you know............

you are my everything....

You are my love, you are my life,
You are my everything i need,
I give you my heart, i give you my soul,
In everyway....

Hati merasa sepi bila ku jauh dari sentuh cintamu...
Ingin selalu ada dekatmu, selalu ada dihatimu..
Jangan tinggalkan dan jangan kau lepaskan..
Tuk memelukku! Dekatku! Di setiap detak jantungku...


You are my love, you are my life, you are my everything i need..
I give you my heart, i give you my soul,
In everyway....

untold

with the migraine still lingers around my head, and the feeling of not being my usual self, its really a nerve-wrecking emotion. i hate it most when i start to have the emo feelings, u know, that kind of feelings where the slightest thing could easily tear you. be strong! be strong!

how do you tell if someone really cares for you?

how do you tell if someone really loves you?

i'm missing the love seriously..... lacking it so much that i feel i'm in my own world right now.....

i'm beginning to feel cold towards the love.

yes, i'm admitting it.

i'm tired. tired of doing things on my own. how i envy others. but that does not mean i'm not contented with what i have been showered by Allah swt. but i know, things can be better.

am i the one who need to change. but its only natural that if you aren't happy of something, u kept yourself away. well, that has been my nature. keeping quiet when angry, keeping quiet when disappointed, keeping quiet when things didnt go the way i wanna it to be...... maybe i have been misunderstood. me being quiet probably means things are alright, thus' this dont reflect anything to the other party.... *huge sigh*

maybe i should just relax, like what my love one mentioned today..... SMILE!

season

Alhamdulillah, its finally friday..... the last day of the week for a morning and afternoon madness.... bus chase, shoves in the train, inconsiderate passengers... not taking into account my that time of the month cramps... and a sudden migraine attack that visited me last nite. not complaining thou', but, i seriously badly need a hug. and, when will that be?

a week of absence, a week of missing the other half, but, the constant communication the past few days in the morning, through wassap, his afternoon drive home help to lessen a tiny weeny bit of that missing parts. hanging on still.

as i shared with him this morning, my sensitivity, getting angry over the slightest thing, what attracted me most to his reply was, "dear... it's the season".... i wanted to ask, but i chose to simply smile and register that in me.... oh well, he seems to know my "season" better than me..... *eyebrows up*

he has been the light of my darkness, not at the end of the tunnel, but throughout my journey in there. my smile during my "season", but he can also be the reason why i'm feeling down... for, the feeling of loss is strongly felt when he is not around me. may i'm given that chance to be with him all the time and not having the loss anymore. ameen.

emotional conflicts aside..... hmm, the sudden thoughts to own a tablet, with a keypad. something convenient for me to bring it around, for me to blog, to get connected :) despite a "canggih" mobile i have. :p

this has been added to my personal wishlist. cos' i know, i might not be able to get one if i ask. so, let's just settle this with the coming bonus, insya'Allah.

the planning of my elder princess simple mini birthday party with her schoolmates is in progress. words of motivation bookmark is currently being design by me. with individual names printed on it. this is a little something for them to remember her before they embark on a new journey. still thinking of what food to serve. the party bags... it's one brain working on many.... sometimes, i just wish there is an initiative to assist me on this.... but again, i'm happy working on it, anything for the smiles seen on my princesses face. priceless!

oh well, weekend is coming. let's just have a quality time with the one you love. before the routine of the week comes back haunting. on another note, i hope the one-week absence is not happening again next week. hopeful okay.

till the day, let's just imagine the tablet is before me now....... blessed!