very wrong

in the midst of blogging, the internet was disconnected. i couldnt continue for i'm up for my appt....

..... and i continued where i last stopped yesterday.

 

it was not easy either.... as i quoted his word; reading his last chats repeatedly, everything has been wrong, and very wrong lately..... i couldnt help but read between the lines. and the unusual no-call from him yest and a word or two replies i got, add more to my guilt.

 

are we obligated to this relationship? i'm sure i'm not.

 

everyone dreams of a smooth-sailing journey in life and after. i'm not an exception. and i will never forget the first time he was there for me during my downfall. he never left me alone. and till today, i appreciate all that he had done for me. but things are not always the way it was to be. slowly, it change without us realising. and the reason why among all the guys at langkawi it was him that stayed on with me, only Allah knows best. and i've never regretted the meet. for HE brought me someone who lights up my darkness and guide me along. i have never forget that.

 

i'm at my lost. i really do not know what i should do. i am not leaving any chats, not because of my ego this time, but i do not want to say the wrong thing. maybe its best to just let it flow naturally. giving him some space. and not adding anymore wrong.

 

this is probably a good start to ........ i couldnt find the right word to it.... *letting go a huge sigh*

 

i'm very sorry dear. truly sorry for causing the burden in you. i do realise that i had added additional burden, worries, etc to you. insya'Allah, things will change for good. i will try to minimise to zero if i could on my part. so that you could have a better focus. i couldnt lessen my love towards you, sorry. but i definitely could lessen other areas where possible. i'm thankful to you for your love. thou' i couldnt deny that i feel it was not like before. i'm contented still for your love for i know where i stand. thank you.

 

you will remain as my love one whom i had potted deep in my heart.

 

 

 

 

wrong

the first time i blog from home while waiting for my appointment schedule... sitting on my couch by my corridor window, with the wind blowing aimlessly... i ponder where could it possibly went wrong.

just 3 days ago, we were out together, and 3 days later our hearts are disturbed. i blame myself for not being able to control my own emotions. i blame myself for letting him know what my wild thoughts were. i blame myself for adding more problems to what he already had. i blame myself for not being able to be his best companion like how he probably expect me to. and i blame myself for the hurts he could have right now.

i was wrong to let him know my disappointments towards him for being able to spend some time with his friends instead of our last lunch before Ramadhan. i should have known and just be contented that the time he spent with me was the last. i am beginning to be possessive of my love. which is absolutely wrong. i am sorry.

all these will not happen, if i hadnt initiated the photoshots 3 years ago. all of our wrongdoings will not have happen, if i had not asked for his love. the root cause is me. i am terribly sorry.

i really do not know what i should do. what is best for us. i couldnt bring myself to leave this relationship for my love towards him grows stronger each day. but i couldnt deny too that each passing days i've been harbouring my feelings. it is not easy either.

 

disebalik

disebalik kekecewaan disitulah harapan

disebalik kesedihan disitulah ketenangan

disebalik kepahitan disitulah kemanisan

disebalik kekesalan disitulah keinsafan

disebalik kekhilafan disitulah pengajaran

disebalik kebencian disitulah kasih sayang

disebalik kepalsuan disitulah kebenaran

disebalik ketidak kesempurnaan disitulah permulaan

dan 'disebalik' itulah segala bentuk ujian kesabaran......

trying hard to compose myself.... trying hard to heal my own disappointments.... trying hard to pretend that i'm ok when i'm actually not.... trying hard to not think of spending the time that i've been hopeful and look forward to.... trying hard to remind myself that its the quality time and not quantity time that is important....

almost there. and i'm sure i will be perfectly fine. and the only way to overcome all that is to be completely in silence.

can't help but to just tear.... and i seriously hate myself for this sensitivity.....

silent cries

I go through life day by day
So many words I cannot say
All the secrets that I treasure
Are secrets that no one can measure
No one seems to hear my silent cries
I'm tired of living a life of lies
All the people I hold dear
Just can't seem to hear