Big Cries Puffy Eyes

There are lessons in life that time can teach, like how much you love someone. Its impossible to know that until you spend your days without them. And there are those that you can learn only through the beating of your heart, and through feeling such strong emotions that you can barely breathe. Finally, essence of time and power of your heart crossing paths and the only knowledge you are left with is the realization that time is the only thing that keeps you from letting go. 

While i blog this time round, i listened to surah Yusuf by my fav Mishary Rashid. Finding peace in the surah while my heart is recovering from sadness. 

Love looked me up yesterday. I mentioned that i wasn't keen in seeing him right? Becos' i know, i will not be able to hold my tears. I couldn't portray the strong side of me when i'm with him. And i've never cried that much before when i'm with him like yesterday. 

I have to admit that i was disappointed with his reply because he was not with me when i needed him. I understand that he is taking preventive measures to ensure that it wasn't any kind of plot etc... but, i would never reveal anything about him; whatever it takes and as long as i could. That was the promise i made to myself. 

Ya Allah, only You knows what is in my heart. The test that You put me to was just a jeez as a reminder that You remembers me. Alhamdulillah.  And i am most grateful and thankful to you Ya Allah, for the fate that you brought him to me. An arrangement that neither of us know what would be the end of it. Ya Allah, for you are the best planner of this Universe. You are the All-Knowing, All-Merciful and Most Compassionate.... that you will give the best to us both in this Dunya and Akhirat. That you will reward us for the Patience that we have and that we both will eventually be united. Ameen. But, ya Allah; i seek your help to keep my heart strong for the challenges that you put me to. That you will not leave me alone but guide me along to the best of my journey. As the people around me might not always be with me like You do. Ya Allah, put some peace to the pain in my heart, Ameen Ya Rabbal 'Alameen. 

I am not asking much out of this relationship from Love. cos' i am aware of the constraints. What i needed is him to be around thou' not physically there for me, at least, i know of his presence. At least I know that i am not left alone. A statement which actually shows how weak i am... *sad*

(while i wrote this, i received a ym chat from love that he is going JB) 

Dear Heart, please be nice to me. I may no longer be able to hold your weight if you continues to be heavy. I am currently trying to heal you, so please cooperate with me. 

As much as i wanted to be with Love, breaking many hearts are not in my list. Especially, what could possibly have happened if i couldn't pacify Mr. That is not what i wanted it to be. Thou' it is possible, a true confession could be the start of a new journey. Something which i've been wanting to have. But, the thoughts of the many damages that could happen, involving many parties, stopped me. For once, i'm acting up using my brain. (i take it as it is not the right time yet. that Allah has yet to permit it to happen. Patience!)

I cried for the last time in his arm yesterday, before we left. That was the time when I let out what I have been keeping for 24hours. Yup, the all deleted chats. It was the most precious one for me. For I will read through the chats when I am missing him so much. And now its gone permanently. I did try to retrieve it through computer (notice, how desperate i was), but no.....i can't. 

I was like a little child when i cried on his arm. If the choice is mine, i wouldn't let his arm go. 

Dear, you will always be with me right? And we both have this hope that we will eventually be together. Its just a matter of time and we have a full faith in Allah on this right? 

I guess i've never love anyone like how i love you dear. I held on strong to this relationship, defending it on my own, not wanting to have any other people involvement. And today, Mr sent me some texts asking about how it happened, asking for your email address, questions that I shouldn't be taking too long to think to answer. And i am still shielding it as much as I could with Allah's help. Alhamdulillah. For this, i have a price to pay. To convince him, there was a pinky promise that I made with him, just so that he will stop probing about you dear. (i didn't share this with you yesterday). That is how much I treasure you my love. 

But, insyaAllah, with the strength that Allah lends me, I will overcome all these with His will. Ameen.