OK not OK

When an OK doesn't really mean an OK. And many times, my okay wasn't really something i'm comfortable with, agree with and worst, really not in a state where i'm really okay with it. Only to feel hurt personally. 

Especially when A second of Hope from a message turns into a 100 minute of Disappointment. Sounds dramatic? ohh, that's how i feel MOST of the time. thou' i taught myself many times not to be hopeful, yet again, I failed again and again. 

The only consolation i guess this week was a surprise meet up on a saturday. an hour and a half of that morning getting a lil clingy and letting out a huge huff from missing him badly. That session, brings an all day smiles to me and changed my mood instantly. 

Again, unexpected circumstances happened. Less communication, a rushed ones. Situations doesn't permits....... i'm trying to digest this again and again. Again and Again. 

Is saying i love you suffice? Is missing the one you love enough to secure it? If you couldn't try to understand how your other half feeling too. am i really your other half, will be the next question. 

 I'm not sure if i'm being overly sensitive for nothing. But i'm missing the attention. I'm missing the real love. I miss the real situation. If you could understand me. 

sigh! literally i'm tired. i need a vitamin for my heart. 

Ramadhan's surprise "surprise!"

i mentioned yesterday during my posting that I wanted to blog during the last weeks of Ramadhan.

those surprise meet-ups that we had, meet-up which didnt ended up going home together, picking up of the raya goodies and chatted somewhere unexpected..... those were the moments. 

mr.love was at my workplace one of the days, handling school document as he mentioned. having the thoughts that we could go home together only to be surprised that, hub was on his way to fetch me too.... and we only got to talk to each other for 15 mins or so under the void deck. 

the day after, i rushed to the mrt stn, as mr.love was already waiting (this time, he didnt travel down to GM, hehe).... we traveled back together only to have me alighted alone while he continued his journey. and conversations between us at that moment was interrupted by the need to correspond with his car agent on and off. 

and the day he collected the raya goodies. i was on half day. we had to detour somewhere instead of him sending me home as hub was out of home, running errands. and that minutes we had for each other, is a moment of cheekiness.... the pecks of kisses which i'm avoiding. the trick he had on me. the naughty thoughts. 

it made me realised how difficult this relationship is actually, but alhamdulillah, its been 6years. it was difficult for us to surprise each other at times, to communicate, to walk home together holding hands, for me to be with him and hug him to comfort him when he's down with unexpected problems. it makes me feel so distant. it makes me feel that i'm nowhere near to together shoulder the issues. 

i just feel so helpless. 

pain

missing someone is the most painful thing to be felt. 

while i thought that i wanted to blog on what's up during the last week of Ramadhan (i enjoyed those time very much)... i guess clearing the pain in the chest right now would be the best thing to do. 

i am not being selfish. i'm not. i'm all ears to whatever problems that others are facing. but, trying to get a minute of full attention seems to be difficult lately. of course, im aware of the priority. the critical issues need to be solved. but when i felt that, i'm actually being too hopeful for nothing, just weakens the whole of me. woke up every now and then in the middle of the night (bcos i have the chance to), checking on chats that im hopeful to receive, disappoints me. still, i brush off that feelings. being too hopeful (again) for a meet up (bcos i have the chance to) just didnt seem to work out too. so, don't blame me for giving up on this month. bcos' time doesnt seems to permit. 

sometimes, i wish you know what's in my mind. i wish you know what i'm hopeful for. i know i'm not like you who will say share or say what you feel. i'm still the same me, who will keep silence and just keep everything within me. 

loving someone is not as easy as it seems.