wen the heart cries

Disappointment yet again. Wen stupidity went out of control and couldnt see the change. Thats how i see myself now. I shouldnt be hopeful, but again i harboured on that feeling. Such a fool to myself.

when u wish upon a wish....

Migraines was never the best companion. After close to two weeks, last weekend was the turning point. Throbbing pains, eyes barely could open, sleepless nights, nausea... and today is my 2nd day of rest at home.

Just when i thought that i could take this time to see him (its been slightly more than a week i guess), every hope was overturned. Thou, he did ask, his qns, somehow make me feel he is not comfortable wz it. Bcos' eldest was home early today. Sigh!!

The problem lies wz me, just when i so look forward to see him, when convenience was brought up, questions after questions being asked, that is when, i wish i hadnt been too hopeful. 

I never seem to learn. The results of being too hopeful...... 

blogging wz keypad

I once wished that i could blog using my tablet with a keypad attached, and wish fulfilled. A trial now as im in the train on my way home from a half day at work. Kindda cool, thou the silicon keypad is not as smooth as a normal ones.

Been a tough weeks. Eldest princezz begins her major paper today. And to add to these crucial period, mil was admitted again for the same problem 2 days ago. Migrains that had been haunting me is getting to my nerves too. I guess its probably a tension headaches, which unconsciously i am being stressed up with the exams. Oh well,  few more days, and it will soon be over. InsyaAllah.

Lunch with love lately is unplanned. (As i blog now,  a sudden throbbing pain is felt on the left side of my head)....... he has been super busy lately, tight schedules, etc etc. He would call at the last minute, if he has that few hours of time for me. And i always appreciate him for that.

I miss him a lot. But its difficult to tell him that, cos' he will start to feel bad  for not spending some time with me. The change slowly kicking in, that i dont feel the abrupt loss. From daily meets, once in a month  dates to once a week meet, once in many months date over a period of 3 years..... but i never once feels regret for knowing him. Thou at times i wish he could be with me at a time where i need the support the most........

when i c 2......

When i head down to OCK this morning to grab my breakfast, after making my payment and turned, i was caught by surprise to see an 80% resemblance of a side-view of mr.love, only to get hold of my senses wihin seconds that, it's not him...... 
I cant be missing him too much that im seeing things. #composed#

Another week of absence from any meet. And im getting used to it for long now. Sincerely understand his time constraints and priorities. Refraining myself from being hopeful day by day.... 

As i moved on, situations are no longer like before. How much can we trust words? How much can we digest? How hopeful can one be?

flashing back....

Its been long..... i have been lagging in blogging..... and last was my update on Ramadhan  nothing much of an update as mr.love too had been busy and today was only our 2nd lunch meet. Contented still.....

Syawal is just like any normal days this year. Not much visiting done. As my first was busy preparing for her prelims.... a good excuse for myself too as i dont quite enjoy going out. Heee.... a visit to my bro's place... oh well... guess nothing much i could do to break one's hard-stoned cold ego....

My first lunch meet wz mr.love was last tues.... at mr.ronald's...... he probably missed me too much that i was only sent back to office at 2.30pm hmmmm.... record-breaking lunch break for me. And as usual, i entered my office wz my selamba kodok face...

Today's lunch again at mr.ronald.... but a lil diff as we drove thru and enjoyed the windy cool day by each others' company... and i have always love that spot with mr.love around... love being hugged... love being kissed... love holding hands...love being loved....

2years ago, we enjoyed walking there and sat by the rocks admiring the beautiful creation of Allah. Sun-sets.... nite breeze.... those were the days.... i am missing those moments very much...
So much changes to the relationship, lesser time spent together, lesser communication, thankfully my love for him was not affected. Thou at times i couldnt deny thinking... how long will this last? Will he or i ever get bored? Wat is gonna happen in another 3years? Are things gonna be monotonous still? i wish i have the answers.... but on a flip thoughts... its best that i dont have the answer and just enjoy being loved and be each other's best companion...... right dear? (Hmmm.... ok, i knw wat u r thinking..... even at this thoughts i am still silence with answers, must be my nature ha, of not answering quetions) *eyebrow up  down*

I wish i wish i wish.... lingers in my mind.... but im happy still.....

I love u so so much lah dear.... im sure u know that i miss u lots too...........

29 Ramadhan

it is the last day of Ramadhan... and of course, it saddens to have this blessed month leaving us so soon.... Days of Ramadhan had passed very fast... too fast that i feel i hadnt done enough seeking solace with Allah.... i'm sad. and throughout this Ramadhan too, communication with mr. love continues, and only yesterday did we meet to allow me to pass him his cookies, baked with much love by yours truly. mr.love was never left out of my thoughts. i love him lots. it's been a month i left blogging. daily routine continues. giving up cookies orders for the sake of my first born. taking in only about 20 orders for my signature cookie. its been a challenging ramadhan, with acute backache that refrained me from sitting too long. continued with a swell in the eye.... and right now, flu to end my ramadhan. alhamdulillah, for im sure Allah still loves me. emotionally disturbed despite my smiles and laughter. looking at mom last nite filling up the lepat together with me, she is one strong woman. and i could never beat her strength. spring cleaned her home all on her own... fighting against her sadness for the little break-ups in the fam... cooking for us... i love her with all my heart. and all i could do for her is to accompany her and make her happy. for i'm still the little mischievious joker of the family... this was shown, through her laughters when i brought her out, while she is home with me. May Allah swt gives me the chance to make her happy throughout and keeps my mom healthy and safe always. missing my arwah dad terribly... despite his passing for 16years now. visited his grave weeks back, and i could not held my tears. how i wish he is still around. i'm sure he will be happy to see my princess growing right before his eyes. i'm sure he will be very happy to know that i'm staying next to his unit. a strict and firm man but with much love. loveable by others too.. still being remembered by people around me. his smiles, his strong family ties. O Allah, please grant him the best in your Jannah. i can't wait to be reunited to him, to be hugged by him again. i am missing you so much abah. al-fateha. dear mr.love....... i know you have been checking my blog now and then at your convenience time looking for updates. the only update which you need to know is, i'm so in love with you. it's been a strong 3 years of knowing you dear. with occasional sulking of me... occasional impatience of me... but you are still there loving me like before or even more. no regrets of knowing you mr.love for you brightens my day with your smile, i am missing that now... u filled my time with your sayang-sayang messages and chats... your concern towards me when i'm unwell... and i appreciate all that with all my heart. thank you dear. i've been blessed with all the love that i have. and i am thankful to Allah for that. and i'm sure there will be many more blessings to come, insyaAllah for me and my family and also to the people whom i love... i had been reading mr.pai epal by Mardhiah, and i'm so into the character. the ups and down the main characters had to believe in their love. and the beautiful arrangement Allah had for them to bring them together. i smiled, i cried, i laughed to the composition of the novel. with the screening of my mr.love on and off.. hehe.. oh well, it's just another novel that i cant get over reading with.... mr.love, selamat menyambut lebaran. mohon maaf zahir dan batin..... look forward to see you many days insya'Allah. sayang awak sangat.... :)

very wrong

in the midst of blogging, the internet was disconnected. i couldnt continue for i'm up for my appt....

..... and i continued where i last stopped yesterday.

 

it was not easy either.... as i quoted his word; reading his last chats repeatedly, everything has been wrong, and very wrong lately..... i couldnt help but read between the lines. and the unusual no-call from him yest and a word or two replies i got, add more to my guilt.

 

are we obligated to this relationship? i'm sure i'm not.

 

everyone dreams of a smooth-sailing journey in life and after. i'm not an exception. and i will never forget the first time he was there for me during my downfall. he never left me alone. and till today, i appreciate all that he had done for me. but things are not always the way it was to be. slowly, it change without us realising. and the reason why among all the guys at langkawi it was him that stayed on with me, only Allah knows best. and i've never regretted the meet. for HE brought me someone who lights up my darkness and guide me along. i have never forget that.

 

i'm at my lost. i really do not know what i should do. i am not leaving any chats, not because of my ego this time, but i do not want to say the wrong thing. maybe its best to just let it flow naturally. giving him some space. and not adding anymore wrong.

 

this is probably a good start to ........ i couldnt find the right word to it.... *letting go a huge sigh*

 

i'm very sorry dear. truly sorry for causing the burden in you. i do realise that i had added additional burden, worries, etc to you. insya'Allah, things will change for good. i will try to minimise to zero if i could on my part. so that you could have a better focus. i couldnt lessen my love towards you, sorry. but i definitely could lessen other areas where possible. i'm thankful to you for your love. thou' i couldnt deny that i feel it was not like before. i'm contented still for your love for i know where i stand. thank you.

 

you will remain as my love one whom i had potted deep in my heart.