2015

Alhamdulillah..., insya'Allah, another year of Allah's blessing. 

And it is exactly 3 months since i last blogged. Not much has changed. Except that Mr Love will be back to where he has been sending out his resume to in 2 weeks. i'm happy for him, thou' i forsee between us there will be much much more lesser time for each other which it has been going on for these 2 years, unknowingly. 

And it's been 5 years of our relationship. Only to see him back for bilateral insya'Allah from this year on. 2 days ago, we managed to squeeze that time for ourselves, watching Taken and spending the last hours at our usual spot, talking and talking and teasing... 

being in his arms, being in his hugs, having his unconditional love is definitely something every girl would be happy for. and i am not an exception. but, to be in this situation without a conclusion, sometimes i wish that i am strong enuff to tell him, let's just remain as friends without having an expectation for each other. then again, each time i'm trapped in between his arm, my heart told me how do i live without this person. how can i stop loving him when i love him with all my heart. It does feels terrible.... 

mana harusku hamparkan.. rindu, tiada kesudahan, 

sesal biar separuh nyawa..namun ia takkan hilang..... 

masih terasa nafasmu, lembut menyusuk jiwaku..

dengan dihembus bayu, membawa khabar rindu....

tapi sunyi ku teruskan, engkau jauh kehadapan... aku, tabah berjalan sembunyikan harapan....

separuh sayangmu dihati, separuh lagi kau bawa pergi.... 

tiada arah jodoh kita, 

Tuhan tentukan lah........  

in my silence, in my "don't bother-look", nothing change deep in my heart. you are there, will always be there, and will remain in there.... while i smile to your dreams of having us living together, i keep that expectation low, so as not to be hopeful to only feel hurt one day. no one has yet to enter my life with your kind of expectations, your persistence to keep me close to you, knowing the imperfection in me. having the patience to tolerate my unexpected nonsense and sensitivity, sometimes, i feel you deserve someone better. 

..... and i don't deny having that dreams of us having our own home, laughing, teasing with each other, holding hands as we walk side by-side, no restrictions to where we will be, will remain as a sweet dreams till it is granted. as for now, i am contented and blessed to just having you there reachable as and when time permits, and knowing you loves me more than i deserve.....

"when the heart is missing you terribly, but the brain is denying it......."

its fading

i'm beginning to feel tired of waiting..... 
i'm beginning to start feeling restless....

yes, i still love him... and i miss him so so much.... but, 
trying every means to understand the constraints. trying very hard to understand the situation, is not as easy as it seems. 
telling myself each day not to place any expectation of being able to spend that 1.5hrs of that time like before is a failure. 
i continued to wait. 

and then i realised something..... this can never last. this is just the beginning or should i say, its the mid of transition to an end.... 
it is just a matter of time... 

Behind the smiles and laughters

Bismillah....

Its been really long since i last blogged. Too long that I almost forgot my password. Oh dear!

It has been a roller coaster ride of my emotions the last 3 months. Which I believed there is a blessing and a learning points to the challenges I faced.

 

Where do I start, everything happened too fast.

 

Before Ramadhan, mom went for a minor surgery to remove her gallstones. Weeks prior to that, had been going for occasional checks and all was handled by me alone. Its hard at times, getting the other siblings to cooperate and take turns, even on the day of her surgery, they came like other visitors. Swallowing the pains that I feel, I even had to arrange her discharge before I went for a quick getaway with my fam before Ramadhan.... and a new challenge kicks in.

 

While we were taking that short trip, hub broke the news of taking his parents in for a reason which every child would do.. Without second thoughts, I agreed. And, a day before Ramadhan, they stepped into our home.

 

Everything was fine, until, I realised something is missing somewhere. I did something which I've never done before, preparing break-fast for the family despite rushing from work. I was happy with the new responsibility not until I realised, hey, i'm the only one doing this with my gerls. Hub was definitely unable to give a helping hand, as he will only be home after all of us had eaten. The rest, was totally not cooperating. Hanging on still... Until a lil misunderstanding happened between MIL and me two weeks before Raya.. i left my opinions straight, and they decided to leave my home till a day before Raya.

 

Eve of Raya, I was such an enthusiastic and motivated person. I cooked my first Raya dishes on my own. Overwhelmed by my own capability. Alhamdulillah. I didnt speak much. The norm of my character if there is anything that I'm not pleased of.

I have never encounter waking up late on raya days.... until in-laws came to stay with me. Being the only one who woke up very early to prepare things, it is an eye-sore especially when one woke up  minutes before visitors came only to start instructing and demanding. Having a SIL that is not much of a help when you need an assistant badly. I never failed to prepare anything for visitors espescially those from my hub family. I was definitely happy preparing them, but the responses and reactions that I got from MIL was like a scratch that slowly deepens and piercing through the flesh.

 

Another challenge on the last week of Syawal. I caught hub off-guard exchanging mushy-mushy messages with a Pinoy. I shut myself out from the people at home. I ignored hub unless anything that requires my immediate attention. For a week, until he decided to apologise and explained. That day, I was sick again. From then on, he paid extra attention towards me. He began to realise too, how much I've put in effort for the comfort of his family.  

 

Raya over, normal routine kicks in. And without realising, I've been falling sick. I cooked for the family, only to realise, they are not eating it. I cleaned up my house, only to know there are people who are not happy with it and misunderstood my purpose. People are being insensitve and inconsiderate while the gerls are studying.  I no longer spend my rest time watching my favourite tv series. I'm cooped up in my own room after dinner at Mom's. I faced terrible headaches and migraines. I am hardly at my own house despite my absence from work for my MCS. My gerls shared things that are so heartbreaking. And I realised I have most of the symptoms of stress.

 

Thou many times I heard, they will be leaving; the turning point was when my SIL started checking on my lil princess hp and read through our conversations. That was the final take. I couldnt accept the fact that one can simply breach one's trust. MIL was on her side despite knowing it was wrong to do so. I didnt get involve in the confrontation.

 

And finally, they left the next day.... not even wait for us to be home. Oh well, that's what usually happen. They will leave when no one is at home. Leaving us with a question mark.

 

I was the most happiest person. Not being rude here. But I finally smell freedom.... I was too happy to be home early that day, that I took a cab home. Immediately, put my laundry into the washing machine, mopped the floor with hot water, vacuum.... tired, but satisfied.

 

Alhamdulillah. Everything is slowly back to normal. My health has improved. The gerls are happy.

 

Mr. Love was finally called in for interview by MOE. Alhamdulillah. And the interview went well too. I'm happy for him. We rarely meet for lunch now, but I know he is always there for me.

He rushed from work one of the days to join us, when I told him, my sis and HK are coming to pick me up for lunch. I appreciate his time very much. But, I couldnt deny having less attention at times. Occasionally he will pick me up to work. Ya, any time he could fit me in to his schedule.

Like yesterday, unplanned "date" to spend time with each other. I miss him much.

 

I'm reminded of our conversation... "dah 4 years eh dear. that's quite long..... ya, 4 years. kalau ada anak dah brp ramai agaknya...." hahaha!! an impromtu statement.

 

I love you dear!

when you smile to your own cheekiness

somehow, i was writing half way to this blog..... this was written when I had my lunch with Mr. Love at Texas, a last minute arrangement. A quick lunch... and, the subject says it all.... I couldnt help smiling to my own unexpected moves... Two cups of drinks on that day, was almost mine, if I hadnt been stopped and smiled at, I prob didnt realised that I almost gonna finished it all up... geee!! Once in a blue moon happenings... 

Oh well, the husband is out of town again. this time for a month. managing well so far with the responsibilitie at home, thou' i cant deny being extra tired.

I braved myself to drove back home from Changi Airport, after sending him off. With of course the help of a GPS, and several qns asked to hub to ensure the route out to TPE. But, didnt asked which way to go after leaving the multi-storey carpark, only to realise, i almost enter Coach/Bus Only lane. Reversed!

Half day date today, my compensation to him for his yesterday's intent to spend the time with me. But i could only do so for 2.5hrs of lunch. I hope he was happy, despite the cold. For I am happy, having him all over me, i mean next to me. (today's blog is all about being cheeky, so mind my language) :P

Thinking about it, I was a little naughty and cheeky today. Errr, just a little of it... kesian saya tengok awak dear, menahan segala-galanya, i meant your blocked nose,  flu and the cold... hmmm...

I am missing u so much... and loving u lots.. if only what we are having now is the flip of it, i will be the most happiest to be by your side.. thou i know ur level of tolerance n patience has to increase too... cos' im not as easy as i look, *evil grins*... anyway, u have ur ways to tackle me, right? *winks

Is there a reason to love someone? Question asked when u are being asked if u love him? A reason will soon be erased together with the love, the moment the reason is no longer in use... i love u for who you are... and i couldnt find a reason why am i madly in love with you... thou the madness is still under control, thankfully.. i may be sad at times thinking of where this relationship will go, but my love, my happiness being with you through the calculated hours over-writes the pain. Even so, if one day, we have to leave each other.. wats left behind will be the memories that is filled with love and not reasons...

I love you.... 

Thank you for your time, thats the most that I appreciate in this relationship of us. I know it is not easy for u... 
Thank you for your patience when im having my mood swings
Thank you for saying i always marahkan you... thou im not, cos tts my only way to tell you i sayang kan u... 
Thank you for being my best companion from Day1 u wanted to help me carry my bag at Langkawi till now.. thou im still expecting u to carry me n no longer any bags.. huh??
and most of all, thank you for your unconditional love.... 
You mean so much to me, and I want you to know that...

So much love.... and I love you more..... 

being tired in many ways

Its the 9th day hub is away on AOG to Philippines... And ive been extremely tired since then. Handling the gerls have never been a problem as they have been cooperative and responsible so far. Despite being extremely worn out, I brought the gerls to visit their grandma last week. And my sat was fully tested when I had to rush from my Quranic Reading Class at Masjid Sultan to send the gerls for their madrasah. Thanks to Allah for the strength he gave, housework was not left out. It was definitely a tight weekend.

Work is ridiculously crazy. I have never feel so tensed up with workloads. But this time, not only it test on my capability but also my patience towards one of my MXO. Her no confidence, blurn-ess, kanchiong-nes, repetitive questions are driving me insane. I could no longer hold on to my "i'm-so-nice-and-helpful" motto. Lately, i will just blast my unhappiness. Gosh!

Mr Love: several attempt for meet-ups failed until today. Lunch dates too have been difficult. He could never understand how I feel cos' he is not the one waiting. And I'm truly getting used to this. Its been 4 years. Alhamdulillah. Hopeful of many more years, InsyaAllah. Being positive despite ........
His schedule has been tight which hinders his lunch out with me. My uncertain workloads on the other hand makes it difficult for us to talk to each other like before. However I was definitely happy to see him today. To spend the hours with him. And sincerely appreciate his time. But somehow, towards the end of it, I'm a little sensitive. Trying to earn half a day of his time now is no longer easy. I truly understand his work commitment; the reason i bypass lunch with him today after our date despite feeling extremely hungry. I have been one since morning actually. As usual, my silence can mean a hundred thoughts. I know he is trying his best too to fit me into his schedule. I know that he miss me like how i am missing him too. But I guess I miss those old times much more.

Teary, sensitive, unstable emotions thats what I have been lately. hanging on strong.  

moody wednesday

I'm a little moody today. Not that someone had disturbed me, but, I'm suddenly reminded of my secondary school life. When I opened my drawer this morning, I saw a binded compilation of letters which was nicely decorated by me. And since I couldnt get to work because of the system disability, I decided to open it up... Oh well, those were the days. Those letters was returned back to me by my Ex after our break-up, and what I did years later, was to glued it nicely on papers individually and finally binded it... not only it contains our letters, but there are also little photos of us. The thoughts that I treasured every little things despite the no-more feelings left behind, it did bring back some memories.

I am more sure now the reason why I hate to love someone too much. The hurts, the disappointmets, the heart-breaks. And when I decided to give it all up, nothing else matters even thou' the last letters he sent to me touches me in many ways. And the relationship back then lasted for close to 3years. And after reading the last few letters, I realised the reason for break-up was, my feeling of insecured, less attention given cos' he was all tied up with his soccer coaching session, and both being utterly impatience. Young heart i guess. But we remained to be good friends, teasing each other still and he even recommended me to his army mates when he realised i'm still single despite already working. haha!! but everything was cut off the moment I gave birth my eldest. The last when he visited me at home after my delivery. I still remembered when Mom told him, "kawan baik2, buat mcm adik beradik" and his reply was, "yelah Cik, mak pun ckp, bunga bukan sekuntum" the relationship between him and my family and vice versa was good. I'm happy that he is finally married and has a little princess of his own now. Thou' we no longer contacted each other. It's just that going through those letters just brought me those times.

But one thing for sure. I'm still afraid to tell someone that I'm deeply in love with him. Call me arrogant, call me insensitive, but I'm just so afraid to go through the hurts. Even missing someone terribly can brought me to tears. And I am right now. 4 years now to an unknown relationship, clueless of what's next. Will there be any break-ups? How do I go through that when it happens? Once that happened in my life is enough an experience.

Saya sayang awak dear. Probably more than you love me, more that u expected I am. And many times I'm just afraid that I might lose you.

Love.

now u see him, then u dont

It was close to 3 weeks, that I last saw him, but finally managed to squeeze that little time for lunch one of the days 2 weeks back.I was definitely happy for that little time, as I was hopeful that I could see him before I left for my Bilateral in Penang.

Bilateral in Penang went well. The time I needed for myself did happened, when I took a walk of my own around the mall looking for my own things. As always, being lost with a very bad sense of direction can never be separated from me. haha!! asking a few shop owners the route back to my hotel, when it is just next to the mall. Occasionals flashback of Langkawi accompanied me throughout my trip, wishing that Mr Love could still be around for the bilateral. I was missing him badly then. Sometimes its hard to wish for something that its not meant for you to own. But I'm happy to have him around the least.

After my return, I met up with Mr Love after work for about 45mins, before he head off for his bowling session. Madly missing him I guess, and if its not for the reason we are in the car, I wonder what could possibly have happened next.. hmmm.... no damages done as yet ^=^

I started my quranic reading class last week, and I'm enjoying every bits of it. Thou' I forsee the rush I had to face as I need to pick and send the gerls for their madrasah right after my class in Masjid Sultan. Positively thinking, I could shed some weights in the near future.. ermmm...

Work has been a little haywire. Its been a tiring weeks after the close. The handover, enhanced system that went bonkers delaying many requests. I wish I could have a few days break (hint hint)

Another passing thoughts... wish Mr Love is with me right now. Embrace me hard while I rest myself on his chest. A moment of hugs will be just fine to release all the tensions. I'm missing you lots dear. Lots and lots of it. Imagining your smiles now.

Love.