S U N Y I

Lonely days without any short messages sent.... Feels funny when you kept checking your ym hopeful for a treat of that... logging into ymail just to ensure that network is alright... days of a missing princess....

H A T I

"kerana rindu itu aku setia.... kerana kasih ini aku disini..... kerana sayang itu aku terluka.... kerana cinta ini aku terus menanti." 

 I guess i havent been myself lately. So much that i'm thinking of. To a point where I wish I could be on my own to a place where people doesnt know me. Patience has been my most challenge. TIRED.

 Alhamdulillah, eldest got a place in her choice of secondary school. After puchasing her school books and uniform yesterday, i decided to re-arrange the furniture in princess rooms. Tough time doing it together with the princesses. 

The shiftings; separating the bed of my eldest from the youngest room and moving out my youngest study table from my eldest room (without wheels)was not easy at all. The extra strength we both had to put in. Hub was unwell, even when queing for the books & uni, i did it with my eldest. It was until the bedframe of my eldest dropped off, i got no choice but to ask eldest to wake him up. But by then, all the shiftings had been done. So, all he had to do was to screw back the bedframe. 

 Somehow, I envied others. I dunno why. Just envy them. While others see the perfection in us, they don't know how I go through things. Likewise I guess, how i see the perfection in others. Life..... 

 Spent last sat with the gerls.... purchased their madrasah books in the morning, and then, brought them for karaoke. Just the 3 of us. They had fun. I can see that. A treat of Swensen's dinner after that before walking around Toys 'R' US... and a journey of an hour plus back home. I'm grateful to have the gerls, a companion when I needed it most. 

 Last friday, met up with Mr. Love for 3.5hrs Unexpected meet, unplanned movie date. I enjoyed being beside him, watching Hobbit. Our silence teasers. Thou' at the end of it, didnt turn out very well. But, Alhamduillah, the surprised appearance of Mr. Hub outside the theatre did not caught us off guard. I was somehow prepared and both of us did not talk to each other too the moment we left the theatre. And neither did he probe further. 

 Mr. Love will be away this week with his family for a short holiday. I wont be seeing or hearing from him. 

 Yes, i am missing him a lot. Lots and Lots. Close to 4 years. Hanging on, holding strong thou the gaps in between widens a little. 

 Saya tak tahu kenapa saya sayang sangat kat awak. Walaupun, ada masanya saya rasa i'm alone in this. Maybe alone when you are not with me.

Last weeks of 2013

The long-awaited KL holiday finally ended..... prior booking of hotel, Kidzania & Sunway Lagoon was made earlier.... all for the sake of seeing the smiles and laughs in their faces. Part of my sacrifices. Fulfilling the princesses wants... is my responsibility be it sooner or later. And by far, i've been fulfilling it. Alhamdulillah. 

It was a pleasant surprise from the day we checked in into the hotel. I didnt know i had booked a 5-star hotel only to be told by someone close to me. Room was spacious. Kids enjoyed it. And it was super convenient to travel to where we intended to go. A free shuttle service provided by the hotel. Everything went well. My ex-tutor picked us up on our 2nd night to treat us Satay Kajang. And i love the satay arnab more than satay ayam... In the day, kids had fun at Kidzania. Thou it was pretty tiring for the parents. 

Day 2 adventure to Sunway. I was so looking forward to the rides and waterpark. Thou' early in the morning, i was shocked to find out one of my pandora clip was missing. It had probably dropped the night before without me realising. Mood totally changed and disrupted by a stupid acts of unappreciative people. Just because of a question I imposed to my eldest, if its necessary for her to get a vest buoy. At one glance, one will know that its meant for kids, and not for someone like her. However, my question was being misinterpreted by the hub, thinking i'm being calculative. How on earth would i be one, when i dont even mind spending something even more than that vest. It was a moment of embarrassment; with his facial expression and loud voice. I couldnt help but teared with the treatment given to me. At that moment, i blurted out and asked them, why are they doing this to me despite all i had done. I told him, even though everything was being paid by me, that doesnt stop him from deciding if its right or not. When i gave the green light to just purchase, I got to know, that vest was not meant for eldest size. I kept quiet and kept composed; with my tears continued to flow. 

While the two princesses changed, I decided not to go along. I gave an excuse of menstruation, thou' I know he knew i was just giving excuses. None of them consoled me nor invited me along. They just went on their own. For close to 2hrs; I was alone. Sat quietly at one of the bench, consoling my own self. And took walks with a swollen eyes. Pretended like nothing had happened. Kids returned, and the little one told me, its not fun not having me along. They couldnt take rides, becos she couldnt meet the height requirement. And i just kept quiet. 

Back to hotel room.... I had a good talk with my eldest. Telling her all that i had done for her and her sister. The need to appreciate. And to think if what she had done earlier was right. Her demand for certain things at times just not appropriate. And remind her again that all the money spent for this holiday was mine alone. And i did not once complained anything that they wanted. But merely asked if there is a need for the vest, since we hardly went for swimming too... I even told her, did anyone asked if i need company for rides. Knowing how much i love the thrill. I reminded her, how i followed her in the queue, but ended up turning back, becos she was afraid.... And for adik sake, we didnt ride the roller coaster too, becos she couldnt meet the height requirement. I told her no one asked me about it. I was just there, wasting my money. She kept quiet and I was hopeful she registered what I said to her. After shower and washing up. We had our dinner. The best part of the day, he pretended nothing had happened. Not even a sorry. I let things go for the sake of the kids enjoyment. 

I was really tested of my patience that day. I guess, i put my shame aside; with onlookers looking at my tears. 

I am tired at times. Mentally and physically. All i need is a bit of appreciation. It is sad when you are being treated differently. When you had done your utmost best for the rest of the family. 

I havent got the chance to meet up with Mr. Love. Before and after my holiday. His schedule is tight. As expected. He will be going for his family holiday to Malacca next week. I guess, the only available time could be next year. About us, been thinking about it too..... 

How long could we carry on this relationship?

How deep is our love towards each other? 

Its been constant communication. And at times, its difficult for me as I'm at my workstation. 

Will we ever get tired or bored of this?

Its all questionable......

I am missing him a lot. Too much that at times I feel this is going nowhere. Truthfully, I am not feeling his love anymore. Basically its just updates. 

Sighhhh!!!!

sleepless nights

Its a week of sleepless nights. And i finally got my proper sleep last night wihout waking up. Probably the tiring weekend helps my sleep.

Im still feeling a lil zombified, and how i wish im home now to have a good rest, after curtains changed day on sat and spanking the house clean on sun... all done in the morning before a bday celebration at kakak house on sat and a movie treat for the princess on sunday. Exhausted. Back is still aching. 

Look forward to a short holiday this weekend.

Mr. Love had his staff retreat last week, only to be down with stomach flu and fever. I was worried for him as the stomach upset may affect his trip back home.

Alhamdulillah, he was home before midnight and i did received his updates through chats.

Let loose day last friday too with my galfrens. The laughters, the jokes, the sharings. We enjoyed each other company definitely. And the long train ride home from somerset, only sees me home past midnite. Welcomed by the two gals, who was not asleep yet, and the girls sharings continued at home till 1am. 

Yawning.... 

behind a zipped organiser

Another month left and 2013 is coming to an end.... time flies...

Alhamdulillah, first born did well for her exams, personal achievements for her and making me and the people around her proud. Nothing beats the efforts and hardwork she had put in. A new beginning for her, embarking to a new education journey for her future prospects. InsyaAllah....

Consciously i unzipped my organiser awhile ago, seeing a picture of us both taken at LGK airport at the front page ( i couldnt recall when i printed that photo out and cut it nicely leaving only us and placed it in the organiser), i realised its been 3 years of knowing each other. 

In that organiser too, a white envelope was slipped into its pocket; a letter given to me together with a white teddy and a gold Al-Jumanatusy Syarif kitab..... And so i read. 

I flipped through the pages until my very first writings, reading the first few lines where i took half day and have him as my company. We sat on a bench facing a beach, and he drew me closer to him where i rest my head on his chest..... and i decided to stop reading. Closed my organiser and now ranting on my blog. Those were the time, unexpected leave, unexpected companion by the beach.... i would be lying if i said i do not miss those moments. I enjoyed those time very much. Penned down every single day we spent together, but now, i feel, the last i see of him seems like weeks back, and nothing much that i could write of for me to keep as memories.

Its a mixed feelings after all. My love towards him hasnt lessen, im sure of that. Instead i feel lesser love.
I... too many things that lingers in my head now, just dunno how to let it all out. He is just everywhere i go. Always in my mind, closest to my heart. But i couldnt be with him physically like how i imagine the closeness we could be. Its all in a mind game, and i hate that big time. Frustrations.

I seek your forgiveness Ya Allah.

The last time i see him, was his bday lunch treat. No more, daily, no more twice or thrice in a week, lesser on weekly.... it has now changed to fortnightly.

Im quietly accommodating to changes. And hanging on tight to a full swing of understanding priorities, contraints and situations.

I guess im just being too pampered....  :'(

November 20 on November 19

indah sungguh pertemuan yang tidak dirancang,

membawa erti dalam sebuah persahabatan, 

persahabatan dieratkan dengan sebuah hubungan, 

yang dihiasi dengan penuh rasa kasih sayang. 

kau ibarat pelita yang menyinar, 

membawa maksud seerti dengan namaku,

bersyukur aku dengan hadirmu,

walau tidak dapat aku miliki segalanya. 

Ya Allah, hari ini aku mohon padamu, 

Kau berkatilah insan yang amat ku sayangi ini

Kau lindungilah beliau, dan, Kau berikan lah beliau kesihatan

agar dapat beliau terus beribadah kepadaMU dan berbakti 

kepada keluarga yang beliau sayangi. 

Kau limpahkanlah rahmat mu keatas dirinya, dan 

berikan lah syafaat Rasulullah s.a.w kepadanya.... 

Sesungguhnya esok adalah hari lahirnya.... 

Curahkanlah kasih sayangMu kepada dirinya Ya Allah.... 

Ameen Ya Rabbal A'lamin... 

Another year of me celebrating your birthday dear.... 

hopeful that it'll continues....

But i aint any present for you like the past 2 years.. 

This came with a reason...

I dont want you to have a hard time finding excuses for a gift that I got for you.

I know its hard. Last year's gift I got you, you took awhile to take it out from the box. 

But, this year, I will treat you for lunch k. Patiently waiting for your available timeslot.

Well sayang, my doas goes out to you. 

Adding on to the above, 

May our love continues. Even if one day, we had to go our separate route, 

I want you to know that you are the best person I've ever met. 

My awesome companion, my joker of the day, and the list goes on

I wish that there will come a time where, you could be my pillar to lean on

Very much miss you dear

Love you always forever and ever.... 

You have a great birthday celebration with your love ones. 

and, I am patiently waiting in the queue even if its just an hour and a half. 

Virtual big bear hugs for you sayang...... 

hehe, i'm always like the one infront dear... 

kena squeeze <3

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR. LOVE!!!

18 days

It was 18 days ago I last blogged. Yea, even mr. love gave a hint last week about my blogs. Nothing much to rant actually...... its the normal routine, day in day out... just like doing accounting on FIFO (first in first out) LIFO (last in first out) .. sigh!!!

It's close to 3 weeks I have not met mr. love. Tak rindu ke dia towards me???? *sighing..... My silence does not mean i'm not missing him. I hope I will not get used to this absence, cos' if I am, then, it means i bochap already... hmmm.... but then again, i know time has been a constraint. 

I left for KL on a one-day trip, without staying overnite with my girlfren. It was a much-look-forward trip, until, I was unwell days before that, and dragged days after that. hahaha!! The thoughts of having mr. love around on that day brought occasional smiles. Oh, the usual imagination that runs in my mind. Thinking that there's probably a surprise visit, hehhe... of course not being hopeful, but, u know how errr, unexpected he can be. But he did call to check on me. If i'm doing good. Leaving many advices not to roam around alone. You know, just like a little princess being guarded from afar afraid of going astray... *evil eyebrows up. appreciate much on his concern and care. 

How time flies.... Its soon gonna be the end of another year...... Will be attending 2 dinners coming year end. End Nov and end Dec. Will there be surprises dear this time?? I doubt so. Blogging about surprises, its been long too of not having surprises. hmmm..... 

Even time is limited for surprises right?? Kindda feel (not sure how to explain that feelings), its all mixed at times. Sometimes, i just wish that ..... ah, nevermind.......

What hasnt change for these 3 years is, the tele-conversation we have while he drives. The updates we have for each other, the teases, the sharings.... Alhamdulillah, its still going on despite the lesser time spent. And of course, LOVE for each other...... 

If only you know how much I miss you dearly.......