Away

i woke up this morning, having the thoughts of going far away... away from everyone.... in search of some peace in my heart. if only i could have the means to do so, i would do so without having second thoughts. i'm reminded of the days where my girlfriends and i would apply half day leave suddenly and one of them will fetch us at a point, and we all drove to East Coast... we will talk and laugh and cry together... but now, things have changed... each of us have our own commitment... and i am missing those moments so much. 

it's funny how i decided to tell mom that Love sayang me, and her response was, "yelah, dia dh anggap mcm sedara" i smiled... and it's even cuter when i told mom that Love cried too and shared with her that Love didnt want bcos of a slightest mistake, he is unable to see me again, and her response was, "dah 6 tahun kan kawan" after a short pause (probably trying to digest what i said)... this time my heart smiled widely. 

i guess i needed a good break.... a break which could release me of my unknown stress. a break where i could be my own self. a break where i could do what i want to do, placing my heart above others. 

whatever it is, i'm still a strong and cheerful princess. Alhamdulillah, 'ala kulli haal!

i want to spend some time by the sea, my fave peaceful place. admiring Allah's creation. 

Big Cries Puffy Eyes

There are lessons in life that time can teach, like how much you love someone. Its impossible to know that until you spend your days without them. And there are those that you can learn only through the beating of your heart, and through feeling such strong emotions that you can barely breathe. Finally, essence of time and power of your heart crossing paths and the only knowledge you are left with is the realization that time is the only thing that keeps you from letting go. 

While i blog this time round, i listened to surah Yusuf by my fav Mishary Rashid. Finding peace in the surah while my heart is recovering from sadness. 

Love looked me up yesterday. I mentioned that i wasn't keen in seeing him right? Becos' i know, i will not be able to hold my tears. I couldn't portray the strong side of me when i'm with him. And i've never cried that much before when i'm with him like yesterday. 

I have to admit that i was disappointed with his reply because he was not with me when i needed him. I understand that he is taking preventive measures to ensure that it wasn't any kind of plot etc... but, i would never reveal anything about him; whatever it takes and as long as i could. That was the promise i made to myself. 

Ya Allah, only You knows what is in my heart. The test that You put me to was just a jeez as a reminder that You remembers me. Alhamdulillah.  And i am most grateful and thankful to you Ya Allah, for the fate that you brought him to me. An arrangement that neither of us know what would be the end of it. Ya Allah, for you are the best planner of this Universe. You are the All-Knowing, All-Merciful and Most Compassionate.... that you will give the best to us both in this Dunya and Akhirat. That you will reward us for the Patience that we have and that we both will eventually be united. Ameen. But, ya Allah; i seek your help to keep my heart strong for the challenges that you put me to. That you will not leave me alone but guide me along to the best of my journey. As the people around me might not always be with me like You do. Ya Allah, put some peace to the pain in my heart, Ameen Ya Rabbal 'Alameen. 

I am not asking much out of this relationship from Love. cos' i am aware of the constraints. What i needed is him to be around thou' not physically there for me, at least, i know of his presence. At least I know that i am not left alone. A statement which actually shows how weak i am... *sad*

(while i wrote this, i received a ym chat from love that he is going JB) 

Dear Heart, please be nice to me. I may no longer be able to hold your weight if you continues to be heavy. I am currently trying to heal you, so please cooperate with me. 

As much as i wanted to be with Love, breaking many hearts are not in my list. Especially, what could possibly have happened if i couldn't pacify Mr. That is not what i wanted it to be. Thou' it is possible, a true confession could be the start of a new journey. Something which i've been wanting to have. But, the thoughts of the many damages that could happen, involving many parties, stopped me. For once, i'm acting up using my brain. (i take it as it is not the right time yet. that Allah has yet to permit it to happen. Patience!)

I cried for the last time in his arm yesterday, before we left. That was the time when I let out what I have been keeping for 24hours. Yup, the all deleted chats. It was the most precious one for me. For I will read through the chats when I am missing him so much. And now its gone permanently. I did try to retrieve it through computer (notice, how desperate i was), but no.....i can't. 

I was like a little child when i cried on his arm. If the choice is mine, i wouldn't let his arm go. 

Dear, you will always be with me right? And we both have this hope that we will eventually be together. Its just a matter of time and we have a full faith in Allah on this right? 

I guess i've never love anyone like how i love you dear. I held on strong to this relationship, defending it on my own, not wanting to have any other people involvement. And today, Mr sent me some texts asking about how it happened, asking for your email address, questions that I shouldn't be taking too long to think to answer. And i am still shielding it as much as I could with Allah's help. Alhamdulillah. For this, i have a price to pay. To convince him, there was a pinky promise that I made with him, just so that he will stop probing about you dear. (i didn't share this with you yesterday). That is how much I treasure you my love. 

But, insyaAllah, with the strength that Allah lends me, I will overcome all these with His will. Ameen.

alone

it was due to my carelessness that i was caught by surprise with a screenshot of a chats between love and i sent thru my mobile to the mr. early in the morning. 

that was becos' i've been signing in and out of the messenger that whole day, expecting at least a chat and i finally forgotten to sign out as i was too tired that sunday, being awake from sahur till almost midnite. (i need to learn from now on, to learn to curb whatever feelings i have esp on missing him) i had let my emotions go beyond my mind. and this was the result of it, when you expected too much. 

while i finally managed to clear the air with mr. i was hopeful that i could still fall back to love. knowing the risk i'm facing (thou' this time i deleted the msgs, i signed out, changed my pswd), i am still expecting a reply from the chats i sent to him. but what i got this morning, was just 2 words. 

and the reason for that, he explained it through kakak. 

while i've been super sorry for all the mess to both parties (mr and love), after being able to convince mr this was just a moment of mischief... i least expected this was what love did. yup, it got me very disappointed with the 2 words reply, and i couldnt care less with whatever explanation that comes after. 

i just felt so alone!!! 

i was more worried abt him being approached by mr than myself trying to explain things. i was so much into that thoughts yesterday, i was more than shattered that i had deleted everything in the chats than the fact that i'm being caught. i'm going nuts. my priority has gone haywire. 

if u asked me now if i would want to see him, nope! i didnt want to. today's feeling was more devastating than yest. ironically, i'm tearing today instead of yesterday. insane. 

Ramadhan

Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem..... 

O Allah, 

we intend to fast all the days of this month, beginning from the first night of its inception, and intend to renew this intention everyday before fajr. 

We intend to faithfully fast on this blessed month of Ramadhan for Your sake and in attaining Your pleasure, blessings and rewards. 

We intend the same intentions as intended by our Beloved Prophet Muhammad peace and blessing be upon Him, so that we will be with Him sallahu 'alaihi wassalam in the highest ranking of Paradise. 

We intend to fast on this blessed month full of thankfulness towards You for allowing us to meet another blessed month of Ramadhan. 

We intend to fast this month so that we will be saved, forgiven and prohibited from the torments of Hellfire. 

We intend to expose ourselves to Your spiritual breezes; a sincere repentance, by having regrets for the sins that we did. 

We intend to leave sinful and disliked actions, resolve to never return to it, and to return people's right or dues. And if unable, then to seek their pardon. 

We intend to persist in renewing our repentance after every sin. 

We intend to recite the Qu'ran and ponder upon Your words; to perfect our recitation and learn the meaning of its verses with the intention of getting closer to You. 

We intend to call to You through good behaviour and virtuous character, particularly when quarrels and arguments might take place during our fast. 

We intend from the beginning that it be a month of nearness to You through mastering our works and actions. 

We intend to fast our body from every sinful act that You have told us to stay away from. 

We intend to spend the nights of this month in righteous works and take benefit in the Night of Immense Worth (Laylatul Qadr).

We intend to rectify the state of our hearts so that they become better after Ramadhan than they were before it. 

O Allah, please accept from us our sincere intentions and grant us the best of this blessed month. 

Ameen. 

أنت أجمل مصير

 Anta 'Ajmal Masir which means.... You are the Most Beautiful Fate.

I chanced upon the quote while trying to get ustaz to write a sentence in Jali Diwani as a takeaway from my workshop. And throughout the search, I only have him in mind. Something that could symbolizes the love that I have for him... and this, is the best found. And mr love is the most beautiful fate that Allah has arranged for me. Alhamdulillah.  (i kept reminding myself, nothing is a coincidence, for Allah has arranged it for us. Patience, for HE knows what is best for us). 

Yesterday was our last date for now, before Ramadhan kicks in. And while I try not to think when could be the next possible date, becos' after Ramadhan will be back to a busy school weeks for him, i guess having me in his heart and thoughts suffice for me..... err, part of the heart suddenly objects to that sentence, oops! 

As what he had mentioned, there is only Side A and Side B to where we could be. And yesterday's date was not an exception except for the moments we had for each other. This time round no bloopers in public, except for the 1 o'clock time and the word for the day was: Don't Start! (away from your cheeky smiles dear!)

As much as I love being with him; till now, I have yet to get over the feeling of letting go; saying goodbye to end our day. And it has been 6 years. And each time when I have to leave, I will leave with a heavy heart. (that's what actually happened yest when i requested for a hug. A hug which I didnt want to let go as the tears just didnt want to stop. That is when i had to trigger that hard spot of mine, wipe my tears away and told him i'm okay. Tadaaa!! with a smile i said i'm okay..... but i'm not)

"disebalik ketenangan seseorang, ada 1001 kisah dan kepahitan yang tersembunyi. 

senyuman yang terzahir tentu ada air mata yang terselindung...." 

Saying or typing out I Love You is not as easy as it seems especially when you are saying it out from your heart. And knowing that even by saying so, you can't literally have him next to you. (I wonder how long-distance relationship works? I'd probably gave it up even before I even start on it). 

Well, a lil mischief doesnt seems to hurt and I'll be missing those lil cheesy moments. I'm beginning to miss him so much. I'm missing his smiles, his laughter, his touch, his everything.... ya, everything. 
saya rindu awak! 

There are lots of questions that linger in the head now. Composing myself that everything will be fine. While i wish that I could always be with him or do things together with him, i know that Allah has better plans for us. I least expected that loving and missing someone too much can bring so much tears... (this is just not the real me). Or maybe that's becos' our Love is just not normal. Forbidden love - tt's what it should be.....

Dear, you are the beautiful gift (fate) that Allah has sent to me.  And I'm definitely grateful for that. You started off as my companion when i'm at my lowest point. You were there with me in my cries, my tears, my laughter and my smiles. And I can't thank you enough for that. All that i asked for, is for you to be happy with me around.  Clinging on you like a koala bear, hehe... and being pampered when i'm with you. You just need to be patience with me dear (evil smiles).....  I love you!

Will I be Okay?

It's gonna be a long weekend for me. I was on leave last friday, and going to be on another leave tomorrow.... a date that we set before Ramadhan. Yup, the date and meet have been frequent lately. And I'm definitely extremely happy to be with him, without a doubt. But, will I be okay when meet-ups gonna be lessen again?? Will i start to freeze my heart again just so that I will not feel the lost? hmm..... 

I miss you dear!

a year since the last....

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيم

This blog has been left without a single word for a year plus..... and it took me a few tries trying to recall the correct email acct to access in.... and I'm beginning to miss my blogging too just like how I'm missing him much. (the truth is; there is something to blog about :D)

the last that I blogged on a year's back was on Mr. Love's return to school... he is still in school now, but a totally different path. yup, so much have changed. even the feelings that I had for him was a challenge. I hungered for his love and I was missing him so much, but the time constraint, thou' he made an effort to meet me almost every morn back then, was of not much help. He was under lots of pressure in his first school and I know it wasn't easy for him....... For me, I miss the quality time spent with each other.

And then, a change again... to another school. This time, a little less pressure, erk! mybe not so little.

but the consolation that I got out of this, we got to travel out together. *wide smile*

and that short trip changed the "hard-stoned-heart" of mine drastically. a heart which I froze it bcos I didn't want to feel hurt and disappointed. the heart which I guarded it for months, bcos missing him hurts me a lot. I was cold in my conversation with him. I know I had hurt him in a way. But, what he didn't know, I teared each time I hung down the phone. My heart shrunk. I was too hard on myself, affecting him too... just so that I don't feel the emptiness in me.

The overseas trip was not exactly what triggered the soft-spot of my heart. but our meet on Good Friday morning, after months of not seeing each other. he was already at my place, waiting for hours, and left, but turned back again, when i replied his chats. That few hours of meet, drove me crazy... cos' I'm missing him more than before. And, surprisingly, a week after, we met again. This time, we went home together. He was out in town supposedly to settle his stuff, but ended up leaving it behind. That is him right??

Now that we travel in public transport (most times), I'm ignorant of my surroundings. There was only me and him. And i see only him (*shock emoticon in place*). I'm in love?

I didn't start my trip with joy. I hid the pains I had. That's my true character. I'll just swallow everything and keep silence. I didn't get to have breakfast with love that morning bcos' everything was so uncertain. But Alhamdulillah, everything went smoothly when we were there. And what makes it more special, it was our 6th anniversary.

We sneaked away from our friends just to spend time with each other. The first night brought us to movie, "Eye In The Sky". a very simple plot, but the companion of someone whom you love, made it more interesting. I remembered how he innocently held my hands and wrapped his arms around my waist while we walked up to the theatre... seriously, mcm org tak bersalah like that. While me, I hate crossing across a road without traffic lights, and that night, I held to his pants, the side of it... and what put me to laughter till i got home when he said... "awak jangan tarik seluar saya, nanti terlondeh"... OMG!!! This man!!!

Day 2 (the last day to spend with each other), we executed our plan after we were back from our Games. Alhamdulillah, it went smoothly. I couldn't recall when was the last time we get to spend time with each other, But, we really made use of the time we had there. The laughters, the smackings, the tickles... I WANNA GO BACK THERE!!! The weirdest thing of all, to sit infront of the mirror, talking to each other, hugging. Weirdo!

Every moves and touch, symbolizes the love that we had for each other. I couldn't explain more, it could only be felt.

I didn't tell him how much I love to see him dressed up for the farewell dinner. (he would know if he reads this blog). We exchanged smiles throughout the night. Eye contacts was not an exception. Despite being close to each other, WA-ing was not left out... and I couldn't wait for the dinner to end because we have another date for that night. That explains why I wasn't really eating... haha!!

And we spent the last night with a slice of Secret Recipe's cake (shared!) and an instant Maggie (which doesnt' really compliments the cake, hehehe). That was because I was hungry, Yet, the cake was shared. okay! okay!

It was our last night. Thou' I wished that I didnt sleep; well, I had to sleep. And waking up to an alarm at 4am in the morning, was a lil quirky. I bargained for another 15mins, hoping he will hug me, which he didnt (sad). Washed up, dressed up, waited for him and I dozed off again... hehe....
Below was what I wrote to him, days after we were back in SG... my true feelings of the night.... 

I snug in his arm that night thou' its only for a few hours. Looking at him sleep with his soft snores. I couldn't describe how I feel at that moment but the feeling of being safe with him. He was calm in his sleep despite being tired. I took every chance I could to look at him closely and secretly told myself, how lucky I was to be with him. I chose to be pampered by him in my request, my moves and my actions; probably unknown to him. Cos I know I might not have another opportunity again.

As we got prepared to leave again this time for a real goodbye to the trip, I leaned onto him while he wore his socks. I was reluctant to leave, definitely. I was disillusioned and my mood changed automatically. And the last tight hugs was the best ever. Throughout my journey home, I was with a heavy heart with an unwilling smiles portrayed. And I finally let my cries out in the shower at home. My worst feelings of missing him and that made me realized how much I love him all these years.

It took me weeks to adjust to not having him by my side. And it was only a 3days trip that we had, yet I felt so much lost.... I had sleepless nights, I still do. I miss him terribly... And I could still recall, when I teared infront of him, after our date while waiting for my train. A date that he planned after the trip. And, a few more meet-ups and dates, Alhamdulillah. Not forgetting, the surprise visit to D'Marquee while I was having my SWAPD. Crazy! Yes!!! That was the first time ever, I chose to swallow my anger, my words, my patience becos' I love him that much.

Love,

While it sounds undeniably wonderful, full of happiness, laughters and surprises... it could also be the most painful thing to be felt.

Love,

As it penetrates through the eyes of the lovers, slip in to the hearts, bringing out the smiles in search of the lips.... it reflects in out actions and moves.

And this Love,

Is Allah's greatest gift to us.

It was only yesterday that we had another date.... Every date, has its memories.. And yesterday's will not be forgotten..... First, crossing the road. Okay, this time, out of nowhere, he suddenly pulled my hand and held it.. i could feel that i had stiffen my arm, and shook a little since he didnt let it go even after we had crossed the road. Not too sure if it was done on purpose (to hold my hand) or he didnt realised it, he finally let it go....
Secondly, while going down the escalotor. I was a level below him, he was saying something, i tilted my head backwards and he kissed my forehead unexpectedly. I was stunned, held my forehead, dah rasa macam nak pening2 gitu.... haha!! He was never like that in public..... I guess I was right when I told Kakak we are "ting-tong" after our return from our trip!!!

But above-all...... I love him with all of my heart. I miss him in every of my heartbeat. I told him before that he should be happy of my love towards him. As I've never loved and missed someone as much as I feel towards him. Thou' I don't deny, mine is a "hard-love". It took me a very long time to confess to him. And I don't blame him for judging me all these years. And I truly hope, he doesn't doubt my love anymore. And becos' of all these, I became overly pampered towards him. Sometimes, I felt like I'm flirting with him.. haha!!

Well, I just want to be with him.. typing this out breaks me down... with tears trickling down my cheeks. Such a simple word "i want to be with him" but an action that is hard to be reached.
I seek Allah's mercy in our relationship. Too embarrassed to ask HIM for more. But I never failed to ask Allah to strengthen this love and bind it till Jannah. And give me the chance to BE WITH HIM in this world, for me to take care of him with the love that I have.

We create memories out of the love we have.
And we crash through the forbidden love without turning back
We smile and laugh to the little silly things we did
With teary eyes that strengthen the love.
With hopes as high as the sky we persevere
An ocean depth of love we hold
In hope of the day that will bind this love.....
The love that we created out of LOVE. 

Sayang, if you are reading. Please remember to pick me up if I ever fall... Hug me tight if I ever feel like giving up. I am not as strong as you think. And I need you to always be with me.
I love you!