being tired in many ways

Its the 9th day hub is away on AOG to Philippines... And ive been extremely tired since then. Handling the gerls have never been a problem as they have been cooperative and responsible so far. Despite being extremely worn out, I brought the gerls to visit their grandma last week. And my sat was fully tested when I had to rush from my Quranic Reading Class at Masjid Sultan to send the gerls for their madrasah. Thanks to Allah for the strength he gave, housework was not left out. It was definitely a tight weekend.

Work is ridiculously crazy. I have never feel so tensed up with workloads. But this time, not only it test on my capability but also my patience towards one of my MXO. Her no confidence, blurn-ess, kanchiong-nes, repetitive questions are driving me insane. I could no longer hold on to my "i'm-so-nice-and-helpful" motto. Lately, i will just blast my unhappiness. Gosh!

Mr Love: several attempt for meet-ups failed until today. Lunch dates too have been difficult. He could never understand how I feel cos' he is not the one waiting. And I'm truly getting used to this. Its been 4 years. Alhamdulillah. Hopeful of many more years, InsyaAllah. Being positive despite ........
His schedule has been tight which hinders his lunch out with me. My uncertain workloads on the other hand makes it difficult for us to talk to each other like before. However I was definitely happy to see him today. To spend the hours with him. And sincerely appreciate his time. But somehow, towards the end of it, I'm a little sensitive. Trying to earn half a day of his time now is no longer easy. I truly understand his work commitment; the reason i bypass lunch with him today after our date despite feeling extremely hungry. I have been one since morning actually. As usual, my silence can mean a hundred thoughts. I know he is trying his best too to fit me into his schedule. I know that he miss me like how i am missing him too. But I guess I miss those old times much more.

Teary, sensitive, unstable emotions thats what I have been lately. hanging on strong.  

moody wednesday

I'm a little moody today. Not that someone had disturbed me, but, I'm suddenly reminded of my secondary school life. When I opened my drawer this morning, I saw a binded compilation of letters which was nicely decorated by me. And since I couldnt get to work because of the system disability, I decided to open it up... Oh well, those were the days. Those letters was returned back to me by my Ex after our break-up, and what I did years later, was to glued it nicely on papers individually and finally binded it... not only it contains our letters, but there are also little photos of us. The thoughts that I treasured every little things despite the no-more feelings left behind, it did bring back some memories.

I am more sure now the reason why I hate to love someone too much. The hurts, the disappointmets, the heart-breaks. And when I decided to give it all up, nothing else matters even thou' the last letters he sent to me touches me in many ways. And the relationship back then lasted for close to 3years. And after reading the last few letters, I realised the reason for break-up was, my feeling of insecured, less attention given cos' he was all tied up with his soccer coaching session, and both being utterly impatience. Young heart i guess. But we remained to be good friends, teasing each other still and he even recommended me to his army mates when he realised i'm still single despite already working. haha!! but everything was cut off the moment I gave birth my eldest. The last when he visited me at home after my delivery. I still remembered when Mom told him, "kawan baik2, buat mcm adik beradik" and his reply was, "yelah Cik, mak pun ckp, bunga bukan sekuntum" the relationship between him and my family and vice versa was good. I'm happy that he is finally married and has a little princess of his own now. Thou' we no longer contacted each other. It's just that going through those letters just brought me those times.

But one thing for sure. I'm still afraid to tell someone that I'm deeply in love with him. Call me arrogant, call me insensitive, but I'm just so afraid to go through the hurts. Even missing someone terribly can brought me to tears. And I am right now. 4 years now to an unknown relationship, clueless of what's next. Will there be any break-ups? How do I go through that when it happens? Once that happened in my life is enough an experience.

Saya sayang awak dear. Probably more than you love me, more that u expected I am. And many times I'm just afraid that I might lose you.

Love.

now u see him, then u dont

It was close to 3 weeks, that I last saw him, but finally managed to squeeze that little time for lunch one of the days 2 weeks back.I was definitely happy for that little time, as I was hopeful that I could see him before I left for my Bilateral in Penang.

Bilateral in Penang went well. The time I needed for myself did happened, when I took a walk of my own around the mall looking for my own things. As always, being lost with a very bad sense of direction can never be separated from me. haha!! asking a few shop owners the route back to my hotel, when it is just next to the mall. Occasionals flashback of Langkawi accompanied me throughout my trip, wishing that Mr Love could still be around for the bilateral. I was missing him badly then. Sometimes its hard to wish for something that its not meant for you to own. But I'm happy to have him around the least.

After my return, I met up with Mr Love after work for about 45mins, before he head off for his bowling session. Madly missing him I guess, and if its not for the reason we are in the car, I wonder what could possibly have happened next.. hmmm.... no damages done as yet ^=^

I started my quranic reading class last week, and I'm enjoying every bits of it. Thou' I forsee the rush I had to face as I need to pick and send the gerls for their madrasah right after my class in Masjid Sultan. Positively thinking, I could shed some weights in the near future.. ermmm...

Work has been a little haywire. Its been a tiring weeks after the close. The handover, enhanced system that went bonkers delaying many requests. I wish I could have a few days break (hint hint)

Another passing thoughts... wish Mr Love is with me right now. Embrace me hard while I rest myself on his chest. A moment of hugs will be just fine to release all the tensions. I'm missing you lots dear. Lots and lots of it. Imagining your smiles now.

Love.

drifting slowly...

the blog has been quiet for a month. the updates are slowly fading and soon it will comes to an end. just like the sayings, "setiap yang bermula pasti akan berakhir".... slowly but surely. 

everyone has been busy, myself not an exception. Alhamdulillah, the financial closing is not too much of a madness, as consistent updates and trackings ease the hassle. Another day to go through, and its finally over. And a new phase of work awaits together with a change of Reporting Officer. Nothing criticial thou' 

 My penang trip is just a week plus left. The scrabble sets and scoring sheets had all been prepared. Somehow, look forward to a nice flight and a short shopping spree. Yeah! Time to be on my own. I badly need that. 

 The missing MH370 flight is finally showing some leads. Innalillahi wainna ilahi rojiun. My heart goes out to the crew and passengers of the aircraft. As well as the family that was left behind. Only Allah knows the reason behind the missing aircraft. An eye-opener to the world, esp the Muslim country. How advance the technology that one country could possibly have, can never beat the will of Allah. 

 Family routine remains. Princesses are growing and managing themselves well. Like a kite, pulling and letting them go as and when needed. Pampered little one is as mischivious as always. Her kind heart and concern has always been my minus point, as she activated it each time she sense I'm gonna tell her off. Eldest, more to herself now. The growing up of a teenager. Occupied with her school activities and getting herself involved with the things she enjoy doing. She is in love with her CCA, music, dance, songs... and told me that day, choir is fun, luckily she did not switch to Malay dance, which i somehow rejected that idea. Her bday present came early... her long awaited IPHONE 5S. Her smiles and excitement was shiningly shown when she first had her hand on it. Blessed to see their smiles. 

 After much persuasion for months, i finally gotten my mini-just-right-size fish tank. I'm sooo loving it. Came home to see the tank filled with colorful guppies and mollies, released me of my stressful day. Alhamdulillah. Hubby bought it for me last weekend with his comments, "apa dia nak smua dapat eh".. haha!! LIFE! 

 Mr Love has been busy as always. The last that I met him was probably 2weeks ago, lunching at Nandos. A last minute one. Where, after lunch, he accompanied to get my eldest toiletries for her camp. Communication has been consistent, except for my less updates on YM. I was never tired nor bored with the relationship, but, i'm sure the lesser time spent with each other does have a blessings behind it. Recalling to one of our conversations on YM, where Mr Love mentioned sacrificing the short term love for a long and everlasting one, together in Jannah, insyaAllah; triggers me to a point where, should i make the first move? But the problem is, I couldnt. Not sure I couldnt because, i did not put an effort to making that move, or my love for him is just too much to let go. I've been keeping myself quiet lately. Abiding to anything he said when he couldnt have the time for our lunch hour. Not even wanting to tease him like i usually do, when I'm missing him that much. I guess, a price that I have to pay for starting this 4 years ago. But, i've never regretted knowing nor loving him. I love him still and missing way him too much. And the worst feeling ever was, feeling awkward and takes a little more time to adjust when being with him, probably because of the not so frequent meets like before. 

InsyaAllah, everything will be good.

ROBOCOP

i've always enjoyed a last minute decision or plan... like how i did yesterday. Taking a last minute half day off from work with nowhere in mind. At first, i thought it would be great if i could be somewhere near the beach. But with transport restriction, i ended up at the mall, watching Robocop. It was never my favourite movie. But, watching it alone, without even buying myself any snacks, it was quite fun. The only difference is, u do not have anyone beside you. It was until, i'm at the twist of the movie, where actions gonna get more thrilled, my own Mr Robocop requested for a call. Hmmmm, a change of nick sounds good. Mr Love aka Mr Robocop. (now i'm laughing). I left my movie, and took the chance to be with him, even for that rushed few minutes. I LOVE HIM. He was there for me, when I let everything out. He watched me cry again and he saw me breaking into pieces. I was shattered. I was. I needed that hug badly. And I am thankful, he was there. And I wish he will always be there...... Now, I'm thinking of watching that movie to the last. I wonder if they sell the last hour of the movie... :)

THE FALL

I do not know why, each time i am feeling down, i will turn to the blog and start ranting. Its been quite awhile since i last blogged. I thought i might not want to write anymore. But i guess, the blog is my best place to let everything out. 

 Right now, i'm at my lowest point. I am super sensitive to the happenings around me. Walaupun aku tak minta setiap perbuatan aku dihargai, sekurang-kurangnya jagalah hati aku. Is that too much to ask for? I just felt that I'm alone. Going through all these, marriage, husband, kids, work, parent, siblings... handling them at my very best, ALONE, is tough. Espescially when, u needed a help that much, and no one was there. 

 While i was emotionally "fell" the week before, mind kept thinking of what actually hubby wants from me, reflecting myself, where i possibly went wrong, have i not done enuff, i fell again physically on monday, which adds to my most emotional setbacks. Strong on the surface, but i failed inside me. I felt so helpless. Thou he sent me the clinic and rubbed my bruises, he was not there to assist me. Not there to hold my hand when i walked from the carpark to the clinic and back again to the car. How hard i potrayed my strong look. Held stronger to my tears. Not wanting my precious tears to "fall" too infront of him. His strong ego for the misundertandings we had, couldnt be soften with the abrasions on my sheen and the bruises on my thigh. At that very moment when I took my rest, I wish I could rest forever peacefully, and no longer troubles anyone. 

 Having siblings are definitely a blessing, but not when they only mind their own problems. Come to you when they are troubled. But ignored you when you are at your downfall. I wonder what will happen to Mom if i am no longer around. Will they take care of her rightfully? Will they be attentive to her needs? Ya Allah, janganlah Kau matikan nyawaku sebelum Ibuku kecuali Kau lebih Mengetahui beliau akan sentiasa dalam jagaan yang sempurna. Ameen. 

 Mr Love has been my greatest help. He was there for me this morning, while I'm at my most uncomfortable condition to take the public transport. Thank you Sayang. 
InsyaAllah, I'll train later k when I'm going home. I'm sure the people will give way to me. You dont worry about me. 

While others sympathise with my condition, there are also those who are ignorant. Lumrah kehidupan. I'm grateful that Allah gives me a strong heart. But I couldnt control it well. I am easily sensitive and I teared. But I'm sure, I have those who loves me more than I could ever imagine. That turns the table. And I'm happy thinking about it. 

 Dear, I need you. I need you there to support and comfort me. I need you there to pamper me. Cukup lah sekadar chats. I know you cant be physically with me always. Well, that is good enuff. Saya rindu awak sangat. So please, take good care of yourself too, your health. I need you more than anything else. My love for u grows with every of my heartbeat. I cant thank you enough dear....
Love you with all my heart.    

La Tahzan

Wahai hati janganlah bersedih.... 

yang bermula pastinya akan berakhir... 

Bukan kah sudah kau bersedia....

Bila tiba saatnya nanti....

I am not sad, I am not... been telling myself I am not.... but why does it hurt? I shouldnt feel that. Knowing it well it will come to an end. 

Ive been waiting for him to say that, and it was finally mentioned yesterday in the chats. Ive been wanting to know will he ever said what he said, "we shall be good friends Or best friends"...... there can never be best friends between a man and a woman. I never believe in that. Im sorry. What he mentioned in the chats yesterday, was a way out to this relationship and turn it into a friendship. Thats how i read it as...

While i read in between lines of chats...., trying hard to ignore some points, i couldnt help but to go with my wildest thoughts. And its the best way for us all.... especially for him, for his happiness is what i wanted most. 

Awak, saya minta maaf. Saya tak boleh jadi kawan yang baik... saya tak tahu macamana nak ubah satu perhubungan untuk menjadi satu persahabatan. Saya tak tahu. Saya perlukan masa. thou' u said, its not the time yet.., but the day will come right? Sooner or later, it will come. And since u dah sebut, dont u think i should start preparing myself now. Saya faham disebalik maksud awak. Im very much aware. What u said, bukan sebab awak tak sayang saya. Saya faham sangat. 

Sakitnya kepala nie suddenly... tak sesakit pedih nya hati saya sekarang. But i will get over this soon..... very soon.... im sure. 

Awak janganlah risau pasal saya.... saya harap awak dapat maafkan segala tingkah laku saya pada awak mulai sekarang. Cookies that i had left for u and dad, could probably be my last. Saya tak nak menyusahkan awak lagi.. its been too long, u hid e things from your wife, and i doubt before u knows me, tt ever happens.... i truly understands. 

Terima kasih diatas kasih sayang dan cinta yang awak dah curahkan pada saya selama nie. Saya tak akan pernah lupakan kasih sayang awak.