when you are not meant for...

"kadangkala, takdir kita hanya setakat bertemu dan berkenal, 

bukan berjodoh"

i chanced upon the quote earlier today. hard truth? yes? no? somehow, the statement got me into some thoughts. especially at a time like this, where my mind is in a mess. and the sudden msg received by Love from his other half.... it got me into a much deeper thoughts. 

the feelings of missing and loving him is at its peak. and i'm at a total loss what i could do. i began to have fear... fear of losing and this weakens my strength. 

..... and this mind is doing the thinking again. truthfully, i'm emotionally tired. i need to breathe. 

L.O.V.E

"distance never separates 2 hearts that really care. 

for our memories span the miles and in seconds we are there. 

but whenever, i start feeling sad because i miss you. 

i remind myself how lucky i am to have someone so special to miss"

what remains in this 6 years, the chance we take for every opportunity we have for a meet. even if it is just for 3 train stations. it was the second meet this week, the last i'm sure before school starts next week. Allah knows how super happy i was to see him this morning, despite me having to rush to dress up. and his outfit today, Masya'Allah, the best that i've seen him in before. the kind of clothing that usually attracts me better. (dear, you can wear like that when you are with me okay. u look more cool that way. i love it :D)

the meet earlier this week, was more of Q&A. thou' it only ended at 1 question (thankfully), i'm sure there are still questions that lingers in our mind. but, insyaAllah, these questions will be answered by Allah swt Himself. i am slowly beginning to compose myself and getting up on my feet again. thou' it is difficult especially when i keep thinking and missing Love terribly. 

visualising to reminisce how we first met in Langkawi is something that brought so much joy in me. whether or not it will happen, having Love to bring up that thoughts is enough for me. the way he said, he wants to bring me to the Dataran helang, the spot where i took his picture, hehe... refreshes the memory back then. it was the start of this relationship. i had no intention at all when i took his picture. i just thought, why not just take. And for that, we exchanged email address (near hotel's lift lobby), so that i could send his photo to him. (i'm smiling writing to this. felt that it had just happened). then, came the longest chat ever for the first time between us at work!!! which ended with a lunch date of mee siam kuah asam pedas, hahaha!!! Ya Allah, i miss these moments so so much... and we got more closer, after a movie and karaoke date. a movie date that tickles me so much. the expression on his face when he got to know the arm-rest could be lifted. when he sang facing the wall for the first time. hahaha!! Dear!! you are just so adorable most times. 

6 years and counting. 

Allah knows best what He has for us both. the best that He had planned for. 

i looked through his eyes last tues in the car, the moment he parked his car. i am missing him too much. the love that i have for him, is beyond my own rightful mind. i have never thought that i would be in love with someone that much and missing him every minute. my soul-mate. my most treasured companion. began as a friend who was with me during my saddest time to the love of my life who taught me patience and love. that changed my crazy lifestyle. no words could describe how grateful i am to get to know him. and i couldn't imagine how do i survive without him around. we may not be physically attached all the time, but he lives and grows inside me. kept and locked. 

Ya Rabb, kekalkanlah kasih sayang diantara kami hingga ke syurga mu. 

Satukan kami dalam keredhaanmu. 

Ameen, Ameen, Allahumma Ameen... 

F L A S H B A C K

Reading through past conversations can bring so much memories alive. Well, there wasn't much left, and i chanced upon another 3 saved chats. 2 of which while we were in Melaka.... negeri yg bersejarah, i have to agree, a historical place for us both too... 

While another chats was one of those days that he picked me up to work, waiting at a nearby estate near the school. 

Throughout our conversations, he never failed to show his care and concern. Whereas me, I never failed to show my ego. haha!! There were so much love in our conversations, and still do. Most of it comes from him. 

I had a chance to talk to kakak last sat during iftar. While some of them were having jemaah prayers, there were only kakak and i in the kitchen. I told her, how i could possibly just shut myself out of the relationship after being caught. But because of the love that we had for each other so strong, i tried hard to preserve it. I was not shy to tell her that, he was too good of a man for me to let go. Which she agreed. But i told her, this is not the way i want it to be, so that i could be with him. Bcos' hub is also a good man except for his temper. 

Kakak told me how lucky i am to have someone who worries for me all the time, Who cares for me. Yes, i'm thankful ya Allah for that. Alhamdulillah. And may this last forever throughout our relationship. Ameen. 

What worries me lately, if he could wait for me. 10, 15, 20 years... i'm not sure. Or whether if we ever could have the chance to be together in this Dunya. I do not know. 

i'm getting weak actually. and this is not me..... 

Away

i woke up this morning, having the thoughts of going far away... away from everyone.... in search of some peace in my heart. if only i could have the means to do so, i would do so without having second thoughts. i'm reminded of the days where my girlfriends and i would apply half day leave suddenly and one of them will fetch us at a point, and we all drove to East Coast... we will talk and laugh and cry together... but now, things have changed... each of us have our own commitment... and i am missing those moments so much. 

it's funny how i decided to tell mom that Love sayang me, and her response was, "yelah, dia dh anggap mcm sedara" i smiled... and it's even cuter when i told mom that Love cried too and shared with her that Love didnt want bcos of a slightest mistake, he is unable to see me again, and her response was, "dah 6 tahun kan kawan" after a short pause (probably trying to digest what i said)... this time my heart smiled widely. 

i guess i needed a good break.... a break which could release me of my unknown stress. a break where i could be my own self. a break where i could do what i want to do, placing my heart above others. 

whatever it is, i'm still a strong and cheerful princess. Alhamdulillah, 'ala kulli haal!

i want to spend some time by the sea, my fave peaceful place. admiring Allah's creation. 

Big Cries Puffy Eyes

There are lessons in life that time can teach, like how much you love someone. Its impossible to know that until you spend your days without them. And there are those that you can learn only through the beating of your heart, and through feeling such strong emotions that you can barely breathe. Finally, essence of time and power of your heart crossing paths and the only knowledge you are left with is the realization that time is the only thing that keeps you from letting go. 

While i blog this time round, i listened to surah Yusuf by my fav Mishary Rashid. Finding peace in the surah while my heart is recovering from sadness. 

Love looked me up yesterday. I mentioned that i wasn't keen in seeing him right? Becos' i know, i will not be able to hold my tears. I couldn't portray the strong side of me when i'm with him. And i've never cried that much before when i'm with him like yesterday. 

I have to admit that i was disappointed with his reply because he was not with me when i needed him. I understand that he is taking preventive measures to ensure that it wasn't any kind of plot etc... but, i would never reveal anything about him; whatever it takes and as long as i could. That was the promise i made to myself. 

Ya Allah, only You knows what is in my heart. The test that You put me to was just a jeez as a reminder that You remembers me. Alhamdulillah.  And i am most grateful and thankful to you Ya Allah, for the fate that you brought him to me. An arrangement that neither of us know what would be the end of it. Ya Allah, for you are the best planner of this Universe. You are the All-Knowing, All-Merciful and Most Compassionate.... that you will give the best to us both in this Dunya and Akhirat. That you will reward us for the Patience that we have and that we both will eventually be united. Ameen. But, ya Allah; i seek your help to keep my heart strong for the challenges that you put me to. That you will not leave me alone but guide me along to the best of my journey. As the people around me might not always be with me like You do. Ya Allah, put some peace to the pain in my heart, Ameen Ya Rabbal 'Alameen. 

I am not asking much out of this relationship from Love. cos' i am aware of the constraints. What i needed is him to be around thou' not physically there for me, at least, i know of his presence. At least I know that i am not left alone. A statement which actually shows how weak i am... *sad*

(while i wrote this, i received a ym chat from love that he is going JB) 

Dear Heart, please be nice to me. I may no longer be able to hold your weight if you continues to be heavy. I am currently trying to heal you, so please cooperate with me. 

As much as i wanted to be with Love, breaking many hearts are not in my list. Especially, what could possibly have happened if i couldn't pacify Mr. That is not what i wanted it to be. Thou' it is possible, a true confession could be the start of a new journey. Something which i've been wanting to have. But, the thoughts of the many damages that could happen, involving many parties, stopped me. For once, i'm acting up using my brain. (i take it as it is not the right time yet. that Allah has yet to permit it to happen. Patience!)

I cried for the last time in his arm yesterday, before we left. That was the time when I let out what I have been keeping for 24hours. Yup, the all deleted chats. It was the most precious one for me. For I will read through the chats when I am missing him so much. And now its gone permanently. I did try to retrieve it through computer (notice, how desperate i was), but no.....i can't. 

I was like a little child when i cried on his arm. If the choice is mine, i wouldn't let his arm go. 

Dear, you will always be with me right? And we both have this hope that we will eventually be together. Its just a matter of time and we have a full faith in Allah on this right? 

I guess i've never love anyone like how i love you dear. I held on strong to this relationship, defending it on my own, not wanting to have any other people involvement. And today, Mr sent me some texts asking about how it happened, asking for your email address, questions that I shouldn't be taking too long to think to answer. And i am still shielding it as much as I could with Allah's help. Alhamdulillah. For this, i have a price to pay. To convince him, there was a pinky promise that I made with him, just so that he will stop probing about you dear. (i didn't share this with you yesterday). That is how much I treasure you my love. 

But, insyaAllah, with the strength that Allah lends me, I will overcome all these with His will. Ameen.

alone

it was due to my carelessness that i was caught by surprise with a screenshot of a chats between love and i sent thru my mobile to the mr. early in the morning. 

that was becos' i've been signing in and out of the messenger that whole day, expecting at least a chat and i finally forgotten to sign out as i was too tired that sunday, being awake from sahur till almost midnite. (i need to learn from now on, to learn to curb whatever feelings i have esp on missing him) i had let my emotions go beyond my mind. and this was the result of it, when you expected too much. 

while i finally managed to clear the air with mr. i was hopeful that i could still fall back to love. knowing the risk i'm facing (thou' this time i deleted the msgs, i signed out, changed my pswd), i am still expecting a reply from the chats i sent to him. but what i got this morning, was just 2 words. 

and the reason for that, he explained it through kakak. 

while i've been super sorry for all the mess to both parties (mr and love), after being able to convince mr this was just a moment of mischief... i least expected this was what love did. yup, it got me very disappointed with the 2 words reply, and i couldnt care less with whatever explanation that comes after. 

i just felt so alone!!! 

i was more worried abt him being approached by mr than myself trying to explain things. i was so much into that thoughts yesterday, i was more than shattered that i had deleted everything in the chats than the fact that i'm being caught. i'm going nuts. my priority has gone haywire. 

if u asked me now if i would want to see him, nope! i didnt want to. today's feeling was more devastating than yest. ironically, i'm tearing today instead of yesterday. insane. 

Ramadhan

Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem..... 

O Allah, 

we intend to fast all the days of this month, beginning from the first night of its inception, and intend to renew this intention everyday before fajr. 

We intend to faithfully fast on this blessed month of Ramadhan for Your sake and in attaining Your pleasure, blessings and rewards. 

We intend the same intentions as intended by our Beloved Prophet Muhammad peace and blessing be upon Him, so that we will be with Him sallahu 'alaihi wassalam in the highest ranking of Paradise. 

We intend to fast on this blessed month full of thankfulness towards You for allowing us to meet another blessed month of Ramadhan. 

We intend to fast this month so that we will be saved, forgiven and prohibited from the torments of Hellfire. 

We intend to expose ourselves to Your spiritual breezes; a sincere repentance, by having regrets for the sins that we did. 

We intend to leave sinful and disliked actions, resolve to never return to it, and to return people's right or dues. And if unable, then to seek their pardon. 

We intend to persist in renewing our repentance after every sin. 

We intend to recite the Qu'ran and ponder upon Your words; to perfect our recitation and learn the meaning of its verses with the intention of getting closer to You. 

We intend to call to You through good behaviour and virtuous character, particularly when quarrels and arguments might take place during our fast. 

We intend from the beginning that it be a month of nearness to You through mastering our works and actions. 

We intend to fast our body from every sinful act that You have told us to stay away from. 

We intend to spend the nights of this month in righteous works and take benefit in the Night of Immense Worth (Laylatul Qadr).

We intend to rectify the state of our hearts so that they become better after Ramadhan than they were before it. 

O Allah, please accept from us our sincere intentions and grant us the best of this blessed month. 

Ameen.