OK not OK

When an OK doesn't really mean an OK. And many times, my okay wasn't really something i'm comfortable with, agree with and worst, really not in a state where i'm really okay with it. Only to feel hurt personally. 

Especially when A second of Hope from a message turns into a 100 minute of Disappointment. Sounds dramatic? ohh, that's how i feel MOST of the time. thou' i taught myself many times not to be hopeful, yet again, I failed again and again. 

The only consolation i guess this week was a surprise meet up on a saturday. an hour and a half of that morning getting a lil clingy and letting out a huge huff from missing him badly. That session, brings an all day smiles to me and changed my mood instantly. 

Again, unexpected circumstances happened. Less communication, a rushed ones. Situations doesn't permits....... i'm trying to digest this again and again. Again and Again. 

Is saying i love you suffice? Is missing the one you love enough to secure it? If you couldn't try to understand how your other half feeling too. am i really your other half, will be the next question. 

 I'm not sure if i'm being overly sensitive for nothing. But i'm missing the attention. I'm missing the real love. I miss the real situation. If you could understand me. 

sigh! literally i'm tired. i need a vitamin for my heart. 

Ramadhan's surprise "surprise!"

i mentioned yesterday during my posting that I wanted to blog during the last weeks of Ramadhan.

those surprise meet-ups that we had, meet-up which didnt ended up going home together, picking up of the raya goodies and chatted somewhere unexpected..... those were the moments. 

mr.love was at my workplace one of the days, handling school document as he mentioned. having the thoughts that we could go home together only to be surprised that, hub was on his way to fetch me too.... and we only got to talk to each other for 15 mins or so under the void deck. 

the day after, i rushed to the mrt stn, as mr.love was already waiting (this time, he didnt travel down to GM, hehe).... we traveled back together only to have me alighted alone while he continued his journey. and conversations between us at that moment was interrupted by the need to correspond with his car agent on and off. 

and the day he collected the raya goodies. i was on half day. we had to detour somewhere instead of him sending me home as hub was out of home, running errands. and that minutes we had for each other, is a moment of cheekiness.... the pecks of kisses which i'm avoiding. the trick he had on me. the naughty thoughts. 

it made me realised how difficult this relationship is actually, but alhamdulillah, its been 6years. it was difficult for us to surprise each other at times, to communicate, to walk home together holding hands, for me to be with him and hug him to comfort him when he's down with unexpected problems. it makes me feel so distant. it makes me feel that i'm nowhere near to together shoulder the issues. 

i just feel so helpless. 

pain

missing someone is the most painful thing to be felt. 

while i thought that i wanted to blog on what's up during the last week of Ramadhan (i enjoyed those time very much)... i guess clearing the pain in the chest right now would be the best thing to do. 

i am not being selfish. i'm not. i'm all ears to whatever problems that others are facing. but, trying to get a minute of full attention seems to be difficult lately. of course, im aware of the priority. the critical issues need to be solved. but when i felt that, i'm actually being too hopeful for nothing, just weakens the whole of me. woke up every now and then in the middle of the night (bcos i have the chance to), checking on chats that im hopeful to receive, disappoints me. still, i brush off that feelings. being too hopeful (again) for a meet up (bcos i have the chance to) just didnt seem to work out too. so, don't blame me for giving up on this month. bcos' time doesnt seems to permit. 

sometimes, i wish you know what's in my mind. i wish you know what i'm hopeful for. i know i'm not like you who will say share or say what you feel. i'm still the same me, who will keep silence and just keep everything within me. 

loving someone is not as easy as it seems.

when you are not meant for...

"kadangkala, takdir kita hanya setakat bertemu dan berkenal, 

bukan berjodoh"

i chanced upon the quote earlier today. hard truth? yes? no? somehow, the statement got me into some thoughts. especially at a time like this, where my mind is in a mess. and the sudden msg received by Love from his other half.... it got me into a much deeper thoughts. 

the feelings of missing and loving him is at its peak. and i'm at a total loss what i could do. i began to have fear... fear of losing and this weakens my strength. 

..... and this mind is doing the thinking again. truthfully, i'm emotionally tired. i need to breathe. 

L.O.V.E

"distance never separates 2 hearts that really care. 

for our memories span the miles and in seconds we are there. 

but whenever, i start feeling sad because i miss you. 

i remind myself how lucky i am to have someone so special to miss"

what remains in this 6 years, the chance we take for every opportunity we have for a meet. even if it is just for 3 train stations. it was the second meet this week, the last i'm sure before school starts next week. Allah knows how super happy i was to see him this morning, despite me having to rush to dress up. and his outfit today, Masya'Allah, the best that i've seen him in before. the kind of clothing that usually attracts me better. (dear, you can wear like that when you are with me okay. u look more cool that way. i love it :D)

the meet earlier this week, was more of Q&A. thou' it only ended at 1 question (thankfully), i'm sure there are still questions that lingers in our mind. but, insyaAllah, these questions will be answered by Allah swt Himself. i am slowly beginning to compose myself and getting up on my feet again. thou' it is difficult especially when i keep thinking and missing Love terribly. 

visualising to reminisce how we first met in Langkawi is something that brought so much joy in me. whether or not it will happen, having Love to bring up that thoughts is enough for me. the way he said, he wants to bring me to the Dataran helang, the spot where i took his picture, hehe... refreshes the memory back then. it was the start of this relationship. i had no intention at all when i took his picture. i just thought, why not just take. And for that, we exchanged email address (near hotel's lift lobby), so that i could send his photo to him. (i'm smiling writing to this. felt that it had just happened). then, came the longest chat ever for the first time between us at work!!! which ended with a lunch date of mee siam kuah asam pedas, hahaha!!! Ya Allah, i miss these moments so so much... and we got more closer, after a movie and karaoke date. a movie date that tickles me so much. the expression on his face when he got to know the arm-rest could be lifted. when he sang facing the wall for the first time. hahaha!! Dear!! you are just so adorable most times. 

6 years and counting. 

Allah knows best what He has for us both. the best that He had planned for. 

i looked through his eyes last tues in the car, the moment he parked his car. i am missing him too much. the love that i have for him, is beyond my own rightful mind. i have never thought that i would be in love with someone that much and missing him every minute. my soul-mate. my most treasured companion. began as a friend who was with me during my saddest time to the love of my life who taught me patience and love. that changed my crazy lifestyle. no words could describe how grateful i am to get to know him. and i couldn't imagine how do i survive without him around. we may not be physically attached all the time, but he lives and grows inside me. kept and locked. 

Ya Rabb, kekalkanlah kasih sayang diantara kami hingga ke syurga mu. 

Satukan kami dalam keredhaanmu. 

Ameen, Ameen, Allahumma Ameen... 

F L A S H B A C K

Reading through past conversations can bring so much memories alive. Well, there wasn't much left, and i chanced upon another 3 saved chats. 2 of which while we were in Melaka.... negeri yg bersejarah, i have to agree, a historical place for us both too... 

While another chats was one of those days that he picked me up to work, waiting at a nearby estate near the school. 

Throughout our conversations, he never failed to show his care and concern. Whereas me, I never failed to show my ego. haha!! There were so much love in our conversations, and still do. Most of it comes from him. 

I had a chance to talk to kakak last sat during iftar. While some of them were having jemaah prayers, there were only kakak and i in the kitchen. I told her, how i could possibly just shut myself out of the relationship after being caught. But because of the love that we had for each other so strong, i tried hard to preserve it. I was not shy to tell her that, he was too good of a man for me to let go. Which she agreed. But i told her, this is not the way i want it to be, so that i could be with him. Bcos' hub is also a good man except for his temper. 

Kakak told me how lucky i am to have someone who worries for me all the time, Who cares for me. Yes, i'm thankful ya Allah for that. Alhamdulillah. And may this last forever throughout our relationship. Ameen. 

What worries me lately, if he could wait for me. 10, 15, 20 years... i'm not sure. Or whether if we ever could have the chance to be together in this Dunya. I do not know. 

i'm getting weak actually. and this is not me..... 

Away

i woke up this morning, having the thoughts of going far away... away from everyone.... in search of some peace in my heart. if only i could have the means to do so, i would do so without having second thoughts. i'm reminded of the days where my girlfriends and i would apply half day leave suddenly and one of them will fetch us at a point, and we all drove to East Coast... we will talk and laugh and cry together... but now, things have changed... each of us have our own commitment... and i am missing those moments so much. 

it's funny how i decided to tell mom that Love sayang me, and her response was, "yelah, dia dh anggap mcm sedara" i smiled... and it's even cuter when i told mom that Love cried too and shared with her that Love didnt want bcos of a slightest mistake, he is unable to see me again, and her response was, "dah 6 tahun kan kawan" after a short pause (probably trying to digest what i said)... this time my heart smiled widely. 

i guess i needed a good break.... a break which could release me of my unknown stress. a break where i could be my own self. a break where i could do what i want to do, placing my heart above others. 

whatever it is, i'm still a strong and cheerful princess. Alhamdulillah, 'ala kulli haal!

i want to spend some time by the sea, my fave peaceful place. admiring Allah's creation.